


One plus one is two (but then less simple)

by pigtalemydarling



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Sex, Blogging, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Love, First Time, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smut, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-02
Updated: 2013-10-22
Packaged: 2017-12-07 07:29:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/745901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigtalemydarling/pseuds/pigtalemydarling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As if he doesn't have an hard enough time at home, school and friends and love also come around. And everything Zayn does, just doesn't work out right. Except for this blog he runs and of which every kid in the school is fond. But the existence of teenagers isn't meant to be simple, so why would Zayn's be? Right, it isn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End Where I Begin

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO! This is still completely experimental, but I definitely will update this soon, because I kind of like to know how this will work out.  
> Sorry if you don't like Liam's cursing or Zayn's depression stuff, but then just don't read it.  
> I hope you will enjoy.  
> xxx

**You know, sometimes when you try to study and you just highlight some of the most important parts with your yellow marker, and you eventually end up with a yellow sheet in stead of just a few lines and in the end, you still know as much as you did before... that is exactly what happened today. I wanted to spill my heart out, to my best mate, but I ended up telling 3 mates, just because I couldnt get rid of my emotions. Even now, I still feel like telling 57208202929 more people because maybe, at some point, I would feel better. If all, relieved.. But I dont, and I have the feeling that I never will.**  
 **So I started up this blog to help me see things with a ray of sunshine again. My life isn't that shitty, I'll be honest, but I'm still allowed to feel like shit right? Yeah, everyone is. So like I told you before, this is my first post, but I don't really expect anything from this yet. I don't expect anyone to read this, or even care, but if you do read this and you want my help or advice or if you want to give me advice, just, please, give this post a comment, and I will get back to you.**

**Is it wrong that I'm already feeling better than before I started this? No, it isn't. I just like this already. Great!**

**So I would like to add a song to this post. I have a bit of a struggle with myself and who I am or who I'm not. It's even a bit dubble because I'm anonymous on here, so no body actually knows who I am. Listen to the lyrics and you'll understand what I'm saying. It is Who Are You, Really? by Mikky Ekko.**

**And this other song, to keep us stay positive and looking at the bright side of life but also about this great blog, this great move I made for once in my life. Start Of Something Good by Daughtry. Enjoy! And remember, heads up! Sleep well, readers!**

*******

He would've never came up with this whole thing if someone didn't suggest it to him.

He had been struggling with himself for a while and he just wasn't feeling  _good._

"Loosen up, mate." had become an over-used sentence. Not just from his best mate -Liam- but also from his other friends. Of course Zayn acted like he didn't give a  _fuck_.

But the problem is, he did. He  _did_  care that he wasn't feeling well, he  _did_  care that he felt like no one understood him and he  _did_  care that every  _damned_  person in the world told him to loosen the fuck up.

Enough is enough.  _I know I should loosen up._ _But how?_

After some debating and more struggling he decided on starting a blog.

It would be a perfect opportunity to get rid of his emotions and frustrations.

Maybe someone would even look on his blog and help him get through this. But  _why would anyone care about me?_

An hour after seriously debating on whether to do it or not, Zayn found himself on a site telling him how to create a nice looking blog without the looks of scaring someone away.

Only a little time later he was contented with his own site -now named _'Jetset Charles Corton High'_ \- and so he started. Seeing the clock hit 4.15 am he was finally ready to post his first  _little_  story of 6873 characters. He talked about how this could maybe help him, about some school stuff but mostly about his feelings and how he relates to some songs. Which he also linked at the end.

Zayn was only taken by suprise when he saw  _actual_  hits on his webpage the next morning at 7, just before school. Hits, and not just 2 or something, but  _actual hits_.

Once in school he heard the name of  _his_ blog drop 5 or more times and it made Zayn's heart pump his blood faster through his body. It wasn't like they would even know that he was the owner but still-  _Why do they talk about it? About me?_

As soon as the bell rang, he sprinted to the nearest computer. He couldn't help himself. _Shitshitshit._ As Zayn typed in the url to his site he fumbled nervously with his hands.  _Please hurry.._  

"What are you so on about, tippy?" Zayn jumped about 5 feet in to the sky as Liam suddenly came out of thin air. 

"Stop calling me that" He mumbled under his breath but clear enough for Liam to hear.

"Only if you'd stop calling me cowboy, 'cause I don't know what's worse." Liam said smirking down at Zayn. "So what made you this jumpy?"

Zayn sighed and buried his head in his hands. "I think I've done something stupid."

"Stupid? Since when does tippytippy do something stupid?" 

"Li, I'm being drop dead serious with you over here." Zayn sighed as he glared at Liam.

"Me too Zayn. So what did you do that made you like" he waved his hands around for an extra effect. "this."

"Jetset CCH."

"Jetset Charles Corton High? Why?" _Shit, he's heard about it.._

"You heard about it?"

"Hell yeah, that guy is awesome. How he goes so deep and yet so simple. Makes me feel like I should think over things sometime. And that taste in music, man, that is just-"

"Li! Shut it." Zayn lowered his voice to a whisper. "It's me. I run the blog. Damn." _I'm always the best in making wrong decisions.._  

As Zayn was rubbing his head to try and make his headache less worse, Liam holds on to his wrist and says "You, my friend, are a genious. This is awesome, why do you always worry so much? It's awesome!" Zayn was afraid to look up and see that stupid, too happy face of his best friend, and when he finally did look up, he found exactly that.

"Nothing is awesome about this. The fact that everyone will know it's me is  _so awesome._ I can't imagine anything better in my life but everyone knowing I'm a  _weirdo_!"

"Ooh stop that. All I heard whole day is how awesome they think your blog is, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I'm serious, tippy. Everything is okay. Just trust in yourself and do what you like to do. Don't let anyone stop you from this, yeah? You are too lovely, Zayn. Please keep this. It'll do you good."

“Are you going to tell anybody else but me?” Liam asked

“Of course not! Are you kidding me? Why would I ever tell anyone?” 

“Well, then are you going to promise to keep it up?”

“No, I'm not going to keep it.” Zayn answered simply. 

“I think you should.” Liam turned to stare at his friend.

“Why?”

Liam shrugged again. “I honestly think it could do you some good. But, I gotta go. Louis is waiting for me. Think about it yeah, tippy?"

The rest of the day went by fairly quick and without so much of drama. Zayn did make a decision though, just because Liam kind of pushed him but also a bit because he thinks it might help him too, though he will never admit that to Liam.

“You can’t tell anybody though.” He said by way of greeting to Liam at the end of the day.

His eyes lit up. “You’re gonna keep it up?”

Zayn nodded and tossed his backpack into the passenger seat of his car. “Yea, but I want the whole thing to be anonymous so I don’t get in trouble or anything. Think you can keep it a secret?”  

“You can trust me, tippy. I won’t tell a soul about your Jetset.” He said smirking. 


	2. Thanks For The Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every mistake in here is my own! If you see some big ones just leave a comment, so I can change it :)  
> Hope you like it! x

Zayn woke from the incredibly loud ring of his phone, now buzzing on the edge of his bedside table. Even though it was a Sunday and he and the boys always went to do something on Sunday's he still was surprised by the time.  _ugh I hate waking up_.

"Seriously, cowboy?" Zayn's voice was so husky that even _he_ crinkled up his nose at the sound of it.

"Wake up tippy! I'm right outside your house and if you aren't down in one minute I'll have to do something about that, and I bet you'll regret not getting out as soon as I set one toe inside of that house of yours."

"Liam, get the fuck away, it's like 6 o'clock in the morning man. Plus, it's Sunday."

"It's Sunday indeed. More reason to get out. And it's actually 9 o'clock." Liam chocked out a laugh when he heard Zayn groan loudly into the phone as he got to his feet and opened the curtains, only to really see Liam standing there with a phone in his hands. "Good choice tippy. Now hurry." 

"Why am I friends with you?" 

"You love me though." 

 _You're right._ "Keep dreaming cowboy." And he closed the curtain again only to take a shower and probably also a good old wank against the shower's glass.

 

"So what are the great plans?" He questioned Liam when he came downstairs after Liam let himself in.

Liam took a bite of a toast he made and said, with a mouth full, "We're waiting for Niall and Lou and then we'll probably go shopping, seen as it's already getting colder this month."

"Alright. Hey, shove the butter my way, will you?" As he reached down and spread the butter on his toast, along with some ham, cheese, jam and sugar -all on one toast- Liam suddenly brought up the blog. Exactly what Zayn _didn't_ want to talk about. 

"So, I saw you had a lot of views and comments." 

"So?"

"So. You can't keep your fans waiting forever." 

"Who says I will keep them waiting?"

"I thought you were going to post every Thursday?"

"Probably going to change that to Mondays."

"Ooh cool! Can't wait!" Just as Liam said that, not so softly, Niall and Louis walked in, both munching on a sub from subway, with questioning looks. 

"Can't wait for what?" Louis was the first to ask of the two, looking between Liam and Zayn. Liam glanced over at Zayn with pure panic in his eyes.

Zayn shook his head lightly and said the  _first_ thing that came to his mind. "I heard a new guy was starting tomorrow, so our Cowboy is excited. Right, Li?"

Confusion flashed over Liam's face but he nodded eventually. "I sure am." He said as cheery as possible looking over at Louis and Niall.

"A new guy huh? He better be an ass, or else I'll get jealous."  _I can't handle these lovesick bastards right now. Just grab his face and eat it already Li! I pray to god!_  Louis just smirked in Liam's direction like it was the most normal thing to say and resumed eating his sub. 

"You know green is your colour, Lou." Liam said as he reached over and ruffled Louis perfectly styled hair into a mess.

" _Everything_ is my colour." Zayn just zoned out, because he assumed the conversation won't get any better than this.

 

 After what felt like 2 hours, they finally left to the shops. Zayn didn't really get why this was a thing they did every Sunday, because, like every Sunday, they went their separate ways for half of the day, only to meet up again for dinner and lunch. Which meant that they were alone for 5 to 6 hours. Well, Zayn was alone, Niall was alone, and Liam and Louis went together of course. They were glued to each other like it was permanent and they didn't have another choice. But they did. And Zayn  _knows_ they're into each other. He  _knows_ even though they both don't admit it. So Zayn doesn't understand why they make love look like such a difficult thing. Not that Zayn has any experience with love, be he does pray to god that his love life won't be this difficult. So messed up. All he wants is love. _Someone who loves me._ That would be amazing. But the odds aren't  _always_ in your favour. And Zayn knows that too.

So they started their day when they decided on a place for dinner, the place they'd meet up, and wished each other a good time. Good.

As soon as Zayn was alone, he took a look at his watch and figured he had 4 hours to kill. Four hours of freedom. Without thinking he started walking towards his favourite shop. Not especially his favourite because of the shop, but more because of  _the boy_. The boy with the brown locks, absorbing green eyes, the sexiest voice in the world that just makes your private zone jump up in a matter of seconds, big hands that haunt your wet dreams, and a smile that makes your year. It's hard to understand. Even for Zayn. But the fact that he has the ability to visit the shop and see that face of his, he just can't stop himself. He wants to be as near to _the boy_ as possible.

So, Zayn finds himself in the little music shop on the edge of the centre again, but he doesn't mind. He doesn't, because he already sees _him_ smiling at _me._ All Zayn manages to do is walk inside, smile back shyly and breath. After two long minutes Zayn suddenly realises that he is just standing there, looking at the gorgeous guy behind the counter. _Oh right, I should be looking through the music, choosing some album I like and go up to thesexiestboyintheworld, pay and leave._ So that's what he did next. He went to the sale department, because he didn't really have that much money left, but he was going to buy something anyways, just because he _can_ and he wants to.

**Liam to Zayn (12.24)**

**U don’t mind this do u?**

**Zayn to Liam (12.29)**

**m having the best time in my life dnt worry**

**Liam to Zayn (12.30)**

**U know u need t tell me all bout that now right**

**Zayn to Liam (12.30)**

**Lets be fair, u need to too..**

**Liam to Zayn (12.33)**

**Thought so ;)**

Zayn smirked as he pocketed his phone again, and started searching through the stacks of CD's.

"Can I maybe help you find what you're looking for?" _That_ voice came from beside him. His heart stopped pumping for a minute but as he took a deep breath he managed to turn around and smile up at him.

"Uhh, yeah, sure."

The boy smiled sweetly. _God, I feel like a teenage girl._ "So, what are you looking for?"

"Oh of course, I- I was looking for Fall Out Boy." He wasn't actually, but it was the first good thing he could think of.

"Fall Out Boy? Seriously?" He laughed and shook his curls from the left to the right.

"Should I feel offended?"

"No, no, it's just that, I'm kind of very in love with Fall Out Boy."

 _I want you to be kind of very in love with me._ "Really? Cool, me too. But, how could you not be?"

"Yeah, you're right. But don't wake me up from this dream." He laughed sheepishly and it confused Zayn more and more. "I thought I finally found someone with the same music taste as me."

Zayn's eyes lit up at his words. His dream. _Wow._ "Oh, you've found the one, mate."

"I'm Harry." He stretched out his arm to take Zayn's hand.

"Zayn." He smiled as their hands touched and they felt connected for a moment.

"So, Fall Out Boy huh? What's your favourite song?" _Harry_   asked while he walked Zayn over to the right department.

"Hmm, difficult one. I love Sugar, We're Goin Down. Just a classic, great song. How about you, Harry?"

"Either Sugar, We're Goin Down _or_ Thnks Fr Th Mmrs. Here are their albums. Don't know which one you were looking for?" He smiled again. _I NEED to have a wank right now. God.. Since when are my jeans so tight._

"I was looking for From Under The Cork Tree." Zayn said, because he really did want that album, and Harry quickly handed it over to him. Zayn looked down at the CD and looked down at the songs scribbled on the backside, he looked in the booklet, only to find Harry staring at him the whole time, when he looked up.

"Uuh, I'll just take this." Zayn offered uneasily.

Harry seemed to snap out of a daydream. "Ooh, uuh, sure! Come with me."

Zayn left the music store an hour later, knowing far more about Harry than he'd have ever dared to dream, and _even_ a phone number.

As soon as Zayn walked out of the shop, he took his phone from his pocket and texted Harry. _He is even better than in my wildest dreams_. Oh, and Harry put his own number in Zayn's phone, under the name, 'I make you blush' without Zayn knowing about it.

**From Zayn to I make you blush (14.07)**

**You did not!**

**From I make you blush to Zayn (14.08)**

**U should’ve seen yourself ahah**

**From I make you blush to Zayn (14.08)**

**I did 2, dnt worry ;)**

**From Zayn to I make you blush (14.08)**

**Ha! Knew it.**

As Zayn was so caught up in his texting with that sexy and charming boy he 'just' met, he suddenly bumped into someone. "Oh! Sorry, my fault, I wasn't- Ooh." As Zayn looked up he saw Liam and Louis standing there with the widest grins you could imagine.

"You wasn't looking, because you were absorbed by your phone, with what reason?" Liam glanced at him curiously, but Louis took Zayn's phone from his hands and scanned the messages.

"Hey! Give that back Lou."

"Wait. Who is 'I make you blush' because that sounds kind of cheesy to me. Is there a romance going on here, tippy?" Liam laughed but Zayn knew he was serious.

"Uh.. Just- that's just a good friend." _Don't blush Zayn, don't blush._

"You're blushing." Louis pointed out. _Crap._

"And you don't have friends besides us." Liam now pointed out, which earned him a headlock from Zayn, because _what._

"I actually do. He is my friend and I am his. So shut your mouth and I'll let you go."

"Okay Okay. I give up." And Zayn let him go. "Can we at least know his name?"

"Nope." Zayn chuckled.

"Why not?! What did we do wrong? Come on, tippy! You at least have to tell us the name of your lover if you won't tell us more."

"Harry is the name."

"Ha! Said it was his lover!" Louis yelled and poked Liam's side.

Eventually, they all ended up in a mess of laughter and took off to the diner together to meet Niall there.

As they were seated in the diner, Zayn took another fast glance at his phone after he felt it buzzing.

**From I make you blush to Zayn (17.34)**

**See you at school tomorrow :)x**

All Zayn did was frown intensely while pocketing his phone again. Because he was confused. Very confused.

 

***

**Hi guys! I know, I know. It's only just Sunday. But I just have to do this today. I heard all great things about my blog in the school's corridors so far, so I assume you guys like it. You know, that actually makes me happy. The fact that you like my nonsense. Wow.**

**But let's get to the business. I heard a new guy was joining our senior year tomorrow. I bet everyone heard it. So, I want to give you a warm welcome, new guy. Have a great time in our school, and maybe.. we'll meet each other one day. Who knows? :)**

**So how was your day everyone? Last day of freedom before reality hits again. I went shopping. Like I do almost every Sunday. And I actually made a friend. I don't know about you, but I don't make friends easily. So this means a lot to me. And I think he is a keeper.**

**I really have to hurry actually. Sorry about this. I will leave two songs though.**

**The first one is Thnks Fr Th Mmrs by Fall Out Boy. Because Fall Oout Boy is fucking amazing.**

**And the second one is a bit of a peppy song, because that can be nice sometimes. It is Mr. Jones by Counting Crows.**

**Enjoy! And have fun at school tomorrow :) Love x**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should all listen to every single song I wrote in this fic so far some time, I think they're amazing ;)


	3. Seeing My Shadow In The Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry for this delay. I have my reasons though, I was in the hospital for the last few weeks. But I'm almost totally recovered. I hope you'll forgive me. It's my only wish :)  
> I'll try my best to keep up with writing from now if I won't get sick again.  
> I kind of wanted to split this chapter up, because it was getting long and I don't have the concentration to write a lot now..  
> Sorry again!  
> I'm trying to post another chapter soon!!  
> Superenjoy (not a word I know)  
> xx

**From Zayn to I make you blush (23.56)**

**School as in, school school?**

**From I make you blush to Zayn (00.03)**

**They told me that yeah**

**From Zayn to I make you blush (00.04)**

**SINCE WHEN WHY WHAT HOW NOWAY**

**From I make you blush to Zayn (00.04)**

**YESWAY. You fangirling or smthg? aha**

**From Zayn to I make you blush (00.17)**

**course! :)**

**From I make you blush to Zayn (00.23)**

**aaaaaaaaahw, cute x**

Zayn blushed and put his phone away. Harry made his head spin like crazy and Zayn couldn't control it. He didn't know what was happening to him. He didn't. He never felt this strong for anyone this fast and when you think that he doesn't know Harry all that well, it's only more confusing..  _Christ._

\---

The first day of the week should be like every other first day of the week. And it probably  _is,_ for everyone, except for Zayn. He  _knew_ he would see that cheeky, playful boy today, and that changed that normal Monday, into a  _not-normal_ Monday. And Liam noticed that Zayn was more tense than normally as soon as he climbed into the passenger seat of Zayn's car.

"Hi tippy, you alright?"

"My usual Ihatemonday-temper. Don't worry."

"Ooh, I feel you man." Liam chuckled.

 Zayn knew that Liam knew that more was up than a temper, but Liam dropped it, and Zayn was grateful for that.

Silence fell between them as Zayn drove past the other neighbourhoods on their way to Charles Corton High.  _but_   _wait_ Zayn slowed the car and widened his eyes to see if he was really seeing what he was seeing. Harry, was walking there, with a backpack slung loosely over his shoulder and wearing the tightest jeans  _ever_. Zayn's breath hitched as Liam bumped his shoulder lightly. "Man, what the hell are you staring at?" He snapped.

Zayn stopped the car on the side of the road and mumbled "Uh, oh, right, that" he pointed to the direction Harry was walking "is Harry. And I'm going to give him a ride." He smiled as he saw Liam's mouth fall open.

"You to are really getting it on then, huh? Wait, is he in the same school as we are? Since when?" Liam's brows were knitted together in confusion.

"No, he is the new guy. But I only found that out last night too. Wait here, I'll just get him." Zayn said as he opened the door of his car and started jogging towards Harry.

"Hey! Hey, wait up!"

Harry turned around in confusion, but his face lightened up as soon as he saw Zayn.  _Is he even real?_

"Hey, Zayn? What's up?"

"Uuh, I figured you might wanted a ride?" Zayn shook his head in the direction of his car.

"Ooh, I- I can just walk." 

"No, really! I insist. It's no problem. At all."

Harry looked at his toes for a second before looking up and smiling shyly. "Well, if you really insist."

"I do, come on." Zayn lead the way and Harry followed. 

Zayn felt nervous. He felt like he was getting attached to someone who would never ever be able to feel the same for Zayn as Zayn would for him.  _He can't love me. I can't love him._ Zayn knew he would fall in love with Harry any time soon. If they would really become friends and start caring for one another, he would start loving him so much it would hurt. And it worried Zayn, it did, because he thinks he doesn't deserve someone like Harry. Harry deserves someone without problems, without scars.. And Zayn isn't that someone. He just isn't. 

"Uuh, Zayn? Are you okay?" Harry worried and placed his hand on Zayn's shoulder. Zayn had stopped walking without noticing it. 

"Oh, sorry. Yes. Uuh, I'll just- I'll just introduce you to my friend."

"Cool!" Zayn opened the door of his car to let Liam out.

"Liam, Harry. Harry, Liam." Zayn smiled to both of them. He felt proud to have friends like them.

"Hey Harry, heard a lot about you." Liam smiled as he shook Harry's hand.

"Wish I could say the same. But yeah, Zayn and I didn't really have the time to get to know each other yet anyways." 

"Bet you will later." Liam whispered into Harry's ear, but hard enough for Zayn to hear. 

"Hey, don't whisper you two." Zayn laughed loudly.

"Don't worry babe, I only tell secrets to you." Harry winked.

 _Shit man_. "Good. Now at least I can sleep in peace tonight." 

"Right lads, I don't want to disturb you, but I think we will be late for school if we don't leave now."

"Does that matter?" Harry asked.

"Liam here is quite the nerd." Zayn answered as they took place in the car, Harry seated next to Zayn this time and Liam in the back.

 

The ride to school wasn't at all awkward. Harry kept talking to both Zayn and Liam and they learned that Harry already was friends with Perrie and Jade, who were one grade lower than they. He also told them that he recently moved here with his mum because his sister moved out and the house became too big for two people. Liam also told Harry about Louis and Niall (mostly about Louis, how amazing he is and what not more)  and that he was definitely going to introduce him to them. 

 Zayn doesn't understand how these things work. How can two people get along? What makes people get along with each other? In Zayn's opinion wasn't he nor Liam all that great on first sight, so why would anyone as great as Harry want to hang out with _us_. But maybe Zayn would too. He would accept every kindness from anyone if he was the new kid. Though he would never admit that. To anyone. Loneliness is horrible, and Zayn knows all about it. Unfortunately.

As soon as Zayn parked the car in front of the school, Louis and Niall were each dragging them out and embracing them in warm and welcoming hugs -they saw each other yesterday but ok- and Zayn only noticed some awkwardness in Harry's place as he let go of Louis.

"Ooh guys! This is Harry." Zayn smiled brightly.

Niall was the first to look in Harry's direction but greeted him warmly "Hey man, nice to meet you. I'm Niall." And they shook hands.

"Hey Harry. We've waited a long time in anticipation for this moment and now it's finally happening. I can't believe it. Am I dreaming?"

"I only told you about him yesterday." Zayn remarked.

"Sst tippy, you are ruining this memorable moment."

Harry laughed and stretched out his hand, "You must be Louis."

"Oh my god, how did you know? Are you a stalker?"

"Come on Lou, let's go get our new timetables. You are scaring him." Liam suggested and took Louis arm to get him away from the boys.

"I'm also gonna get mine, I hope we still have that free hour together. I'll catch up with you guys later. Nice meeting you Hazlan." Niall smiled at them as he walked inside the school.

"Hazlan.. Seriously?" Harry was practically wiping the tears of his face while Zayn was feeling ashamed of the remarks of Niall and Louis.

"Sorry about that. They all have a thing for nicknames. I am tippy, Liam is cowboy while Niall and Louis are just Ni and Lou. And. They crowned you to Hazlan. You'll never get rid of it anymore now."

"Too late to run?" Harry smiled.

"Too late to run."

"Hmm.. I think I don't mind." He smirked and it got Zayn weak at the knees.

"I'm glad you like them." Zayn said in all honesty.

"I do, I do. I like all four of you. Thank you, honestly."

"Why are you thanking me?" Zayn asked, eyebrows knitted together.

"Because.. You know- you didn't have to do all that."

"But I want to Harry. You deserve even more."

"I'm glad I came here and I'm glad I finally got the courage to talk to you yesterday. But thank you for getting me involved with your friends anyway."

"I'm glad too." Zayn smiled shyly with an obvious blush on his cheeks, "Let's go inside and get our timetables."

"Lead the way."

  _Is that the new guy CCH was talking about? Oh my god, CCH was right! CCH is like God or something, seriously._

Zayn kept hearing things like this as he and Harry walked through the entrance of Charles Corton High and to say he was relieved that Harry didn't hear it -or maybe he just didn't pay attention to them- would be an understatement. Every time the name of his blog fell, he stiffened and felt his heart beat increase. He _knew_ he didn't have to worry. Because no one except for Liam could know he was the owner. But the fact that there was a possibility that someone could find out someday scared the shit out of him. On a panic attack level.

"… And then she said she would leave as soon as I would set foot into this school. Don't you think that is mean?"

"Zayn?" Harry poked his cheek. "Zayn! Are you even listening?"

Zayn woke up from his daydream and realised he had been totally blocking out everything. "Ooh- uhh, no… Sorry."

"Is- Is something wrong?  I mean, you don't have to tell me of course. But it's kind of obvious that something _is_ wrong. So if you just want someone to spill your heart out to, I'm your man. Everyone's always told me I'm a very good listener.. so just go ahead. I would never mind to be your shoulder." Harry rattled but Zayn knew he was honest and caring. _Caring? That's new.. I should give him a chance._

"Uuh.. Listen. Harry. I have never been good in talking. Not even to Liam, even though I've known him for 10 years or something. But, uhm, I feel like I can talk to you, and I know that sounds kind of weird. Really weird even. But if you don't mind, I would like to tell you some things about me. And I would also like to know more about you -only if you are okay with that of course- and then at least we know who we are and we can be there for each other if that would be necessary." Zayn shrugged to make the conversation a bit lighter, but it was without success. The weight on both their shoulders felt as heavy as 20 trucks.

"Do you... want to come to my place tonight? My mum has a date so we have every freedom to talk about everything."

Zayn knew this wasn't a good idea, but he couldn't crawl back anymore now. He did this himself, and you have to finish what you start. "Sure." He smiled shyly but knew this was for the best.

\---

"Liam, Liam! What the fuck should I wear?" Zayn was reaching a panic attack. After school, which was incredibly boring in the classes without any of his friends, the five of them met up outside the school. As soon as Zayn saw Harry he flushed again but tried not to be too obvious. Harry wanted to go take the bus, but Zayn insisted again, that he would give him a ride. When he arrived at Harry's house, all he said was see you at 8 and bye Liam, before he slammed the door closed.

"Who cares? It's not even a god damn date! You're just going to his house and chill." Liam stated chewing on a slice of pizza.

Zayn just sighed in response and finally stopped walking through the living room as an idiot, he placed himself on the couch next to Liam.

"You really like him, huh tippy?"

"I'm afraid yes. He is just so sexy and he makes me want to put something of me into something of him every time I see him.. It's just frustrating to want something you'll never get." Liam laughed slightly at Zayn's remark but got serious again soon.

"Hey, don't put yourself down. Who says he doesn't want your something into his something? Who says you'll never get what you want? You are amazing Zayn and we all know that. You just have to stop worrying about that so much and only worry about bad things. Life is too short to worry that much."

"Can you just at least pick an outfit for me? Only to make me feel more confident.."

Liam smiled fondly, "I love you tippy. You're the best."

 


	4. Stop The Clock And Freeze In This Moment

"Do you uhh- want a beer?" Harry asked as Zayn sat nervously on his couch.

"Yes, thank you."  _And a piece of you with that please._

"I'll get it, just make yourself at home Zayn." As he walked to the kitchen, Zayn looked at his muscular back..  
The way his body seems to be like a 'Y', the same shape. And Y actually fits Harry perfectly. Y is Harry this nice to me? Y does Harry invite me over? Y only me? Y is the atmosphere in Harry's house this heavy? Y do I feel funny whenever I'm around Harry?  _I JUST DON'T KNOW_

"You know, Zayn.. I'm not a psychiatrist or something, but I do know how brains can break you into pieces, until you are an emotional wreck. Trust me, you need to stop this" waving his hands -with the Heineken in it- vaguely around as an addition to his sentence, "whatever this is that is triggering your brain to break you into said pieces." Harry just went to sit next to him as he handed him the beer.

"But, how am I supposed to- to stop it?"

Harry sat up straight and looked directly in Zayn's eyes. "Tell me everything that bothers you or at least keeps you busy. Only the things you actually want to share. If it's  _too_ personal, keep it to yourself. Simple, right?" He smiled like he had just won the lottery.  _Jeez._

"No.. No, I can't do that. No.."

"Well.. Then, then.. You know what" His eyes lit up in that stupid way Liam's can also, it's just that you know it's a bad idea but you'll agree anyways because he is just so excited about it, "I make a confession. You make a confession. And we keep doing that until we feel free and relieved. Is that okay?"

 _Not. At. All._  "It is."

"Okay. Great. I'll start. My confession is.. That my favourite movie is Finding Nemo."

"Really? Why?"

"No questions yet, just confessions. Your turn!" Harry was practically being bossy but that was damn sexy..

"Uhm.. I've let Liam put a dress and make-up on me once."

Harry laughed extremely loud, "wow I wish I had been there. My mum once walked in on me jerking off while watching porn."

"My mum once walked in on me with my fingers up my ass and a hand on my cock."

Harry made a strange noise. It came close to a moan that he was trying to hold in, which made Zayn choke on his already second beer. "Sorry, I just, you know, visualised. Sorry. Uhm, right, confession, Jade is my ex-girlfriend, but I broke up with her after 2 weeks because I realised I was gay. Or bi. I'm not sure yet. But she forgave me and we are still good friends."

 _Fuck yes he is FUCKINGGAY!_  Zayn smiled and said, "You are late man. I found out I was gay when I was 13 almost 14." 

"Wow, and does everyone know?" 

"I first told Liam and he was so cool about the whole thing. But that was obviously because he was also struggling with his sexuality and his feelings for Lou, with which he is still struggling by the way. But my parents found out when they walked in on me and a boy messing around on my bed.." Zayn suddenly looked sad and hurt and Harry noticed that too.

"Did they accept it?" He asked quietly. Almost afraid to ask the question.

"Not at all. They still don't." 

"Change of subject?" Harry asked sweetly while placing a comforting hand on Zayn's shoulder.

"Yes, please."

"Did you have, you know, sex with a guy before?" Harry laughs at his own question and easily infects Zayn. 

"I did, few times. I had a secret boyfriend when I was 15. He was 17 and was totally ready for it." 

Harry's brows almost reach his hairline. "Were you?" 

"I was scared, but I think I was ready. Though I wish I wouldn't have done it. Just because of the turn of events..." Zayn trailed off and felt his heart throb in pain as he thought back..

"And after him?"  _Come on Zayn, you closed that book already, just look Harry in the eyes and continue this conversation!_

"After him I just got laid a few times, 's always good, but never been in love anymore." He smiles.

"Do you top or bottom?" 

"You really are the curious type huh?" 

"I just want to know everything about this." He smiles. Fondly even.

"Well then.. I actually love both. When you bottom it feels so good to be filled up and too full. It makes you climax so hard, unbelievable. But when you top, it's great to go at your pace, to tease your sexpartner, to see him literally begging for you to speed up, move, touch him, whatever. That is just a gift of god to see, honestly." 

The younger boy looked deeply impressed and turned on at the same time. "Is it better with guys or girls?" 

Zayn took a sip of his third beer and answered, "I honestly never slept with a girl before."

"Seriously not? Never seen a wet vagina?" Harry's mouth had fallen open and his pupils were blown wide.

"I once had to like, lick it for a dare, but she knew I was gay so she let me. And it was one big nightmare! Every time I licked her clit she was thrusting her hips and I kept getting that wet puss in my face. Ugh- just gross.." 

Harry was laughing loudly again but got cut off by Zayn's question. "Have you not done anything with a boy yet?" 

"Only kissed a boy in a bar. That's it unfortunately."

"Would you be ready if you had had a boyfriend now?"

Harry didn't think about his answer, and that, to Zayn, showed confidence. Confidence of his body maybe. "Yes, I would."

"You really should wait till you know for sure that you want to share something  _that_  intimate with him, though."

"Why?"  _Ha, funny._  

"Because, I always thought like, why the fuck does everyone make such a big deal about that, but you understand it as soon as you've shared your body with someone that you don't love, for the first time. I wish I could turn back and make sure to keep my v-card."

"I'll keep my gay-V-card till I've found love." And that made Zayn smile. He felt understood and appreciated, and that wasn't something that he felt on an average day. 

He had to act like he was okay every day. But no one is always. Not even the person who always smiles and laughs at stupid jokes. Because Zayn does that, he does. He really thinks it's funny sometimes though, but sometimes he just laughs to not be noticed. Because everyone is that stupid. They all laugh at everything. But Zayn's situation isn't funny at all, so why would he laugh? Liam supported him when he needed it and he is better now. Much better, but the scars on his heart remain.

"Hey, do you have more tattoo's than these?" Harry was tracing his long, thin fingers over Zayn's forearm where some of his many tattoo's were visible.

"Yeah I have more on my chest. You have a lot too don't you?"  _Can I see them. The ones under your shirt please._

Harry chuckled, "Yeah, we should count them. Sum yours and mine up. And that will be our lucky number for the rest of our lives. Deal?" 

"Are you a pro in having ridiculous ideas?" 

"Yes! Deal?"  _I'll always agree with everything you say._  

"Sure, why not!"

 Harry smiled in satisfaction and took off his shirt, which took Zayn a bit by surprise but also gave him a genuine smile on his face. Harry's body was covered in black ink on his chest, stomach and arms. 

"Hey! I have that too!" Zayn cheers pointing to the black heart on Harry's shoulder and removing his own shirt a second later.

"Ooh cool!" He smiles while looking at Zayn's other tattoo's. "That's a cool guy too." He says, tracing his fingers over the skull.

"Thanks, I designed everything myself."

"Seriously? My god.. you have to design one for me some time."  _I would fucking love to._

"Will do, will do." Zayn smiled proudly. He never designed anything for anyone else. Louis didn't even let him.

"Let's count first. Uhm.. wait." Harry walked towards a cupboard and fished out two paintbrushes and two cups of paint. Blue and red.

"Just put a dot on the tat with the paint when you've counted it, otherwise we lose count, kay?" He said as he handed Zayn the brush and the paint.

And they did as Harry said. Zayn was painting little dots on Harry's torso and the same the other way around. It brought them closer to say the least. They were laughing the whole time, having some playful banter and just some cheeky chatting time. Zayn was really enjoying this evening. Of course Zayn always enjoyed his evenings with Liam, Louis and Niall, but the problem was that he didn't really feel in place there. Lou was stitched to Liam and Niall only had eyes for the play station.

An hour and two cups of paint later, they discovered that their lucky number would be 51. Zayn already knew for sure that the design of Harry's tattoo would contain this lucky number. _Karma._ Just because it was his idea and he will be stuck with it forever. That wasn't the only thing on his mind though. Both boys were a giggling mess, laying on the ground, totally covered in paint and Zayn felt something strange inside of him. Something he didn't understand.  Something he never even felt before.

"Are we drunk?" Harry asked slightly bewildered.

"For sure." Zayn giggled into Harry's naked chest.

Harry sighed and whispered, "You're cute."

Zayn looked up and met Harry's eyes. They were glistening in the dimmed light of the living room. Harry smiled before placing a hand behind Zayn's neck and pulling him towards his own face. Zayn understood the move and lifted himself up slightly, only to place himself on top of Harry, keeping himself up by leaning his weight on his elbows besides Harry's head. Zayn smiled too and leaned down to attach his lips to the ones of the boy laying underneath him. It felt intimate and sweet until Zayn found access to the inside of his mouth. The only thing they could taste was the beer they had been drinking for the past few hours, but the kiss did get more heated and passionate. They kissed for a few minutes before Zayn broke the kiss to look at the clock all of a sudden.

"Shit!" He mumbled while getting off of Harry. "I'm sorry. I really need to go. Had to be home before twelve." He picked up his shirt and pulled it over his head, to cover his still painted-on body. "Thank you so much for tonight. I didn't have this much fun in a long long time." He leaned forward one last time to peck Harry -who also stood now- on the lips and gave him a warm hug, before leaving without another word.

\---

**From Zayn to Liam (00.26)**

**OoohMyGooOoOOd..!**

**From Liam to Zayn (00.28)**

**Sex? O.o**

**From Zayn to Liam (00.28)**

**No you d*ck**

**From Liam to Zayn (00.28)**

**Aha! Whatsup then????**

**From Zayn to Liam (00.30)**

**I see my dad**

**From Liam to Zayn (00.32)**

**WHAT?  At home?**

Zayn was shitting his pants. Why was his dad home? Why now? Why exactly today when he is covered in paint and just came back from a friend's house who he kissed, and exactly now when he is absolutely smashed. He doubted if he should run away, hide and never come back, or if he should collect some courage and just go inside. Face it. Face the truth.

He chose the latter. His dad can't ruin his life like that again. Zayn grew stronger since his dad left. He can handle him. He is scared. But he won't let his dad dominate him like that again. _I am gay and I always will be. You can't beat it out of me asshole._ So he turned the doorknob and said, "Hi mum, sorry I'm a bit later.", as if he didn't know that his dad was there also.

"Zayn, come here for a second please." His mum's worried voice came from the living room.

Zayn took a deep breath and opened the door to the room, only to see _him_ sitting there with a stupid grin on his face, as if it was a surprise and Zayn would be happy to see him. _NOT._ Zayn didn't move towards him, didn't smile, didn't greet him. The only thing he thought was _fuck off_.

"Hello son. I'm back."

"I have eyes, yeah." And he turned around to go upstairs, but suddenly there was a painful hand on his wrist, which made all the memories stream back in Zayn's head.

"Don't have that attitude to me." His dad's stern voice bored right through him and gave him goose bumps.

"Where were you and why are you this late?"

"That's none of your fucking business! Let me go." Zayn yelled at him while trying to pull back his wrist. As soon as he had got rid of his dad's hands on him, he ran upstairs, locked his bedroom door and curled up in a ball against it. Crying and sobbing loudly. He heard his mum shouting at his dad downstairs but he couldn't care right now. He just wanted someone to cuddle with him until he fell asleep..

\---

**Hello everyone!**

**How are you doing? I'm not feeling very well lately but I'm glad I have you all and my friends of course. I would be nothing without them. Nothing.**

**I wanted to give you all some advice in friendship. I had a lot of family problems last year but I didn't feel the need to tell my friends about it. I was feeling horrible every day, because I was walking around with such a big problem. It seriously got to the point where I had a big breakdown and from that moment I couldn't stop crying anymore. My friends didn't know what was wrong all that time and of course they blamed me that I didn't just tell them about my problems. I learned that I can trust them. I learned that I can even trust people I don't even know all that well, but well enough to get advice from them. Please go to your friends with anything that is bothering you. They are there for you. Even if you might think they aren't, they are! I am too. I am here for you. Just come and talk to me if you need to talk. I would love to help you if I can.**

**Okay, over to less depressing things.. I saw the new guy had a nice day today! That is always good. It's nice that people try to make him feel welcome at our school. That's how it should be.**

**I also had a very nice day at school and the evening was also very good! I had a lot of fun and that was exactly what I needed. After the perfect evening my happiness was easily destroyed, but my friends are there for me. I'll be okay. As I always will. As I'll always have to.**

**Because music is my great passion, I will post two songs with this again.**

**First I have for you is Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. It's so beautiful it makes me cry. Have a listen and let's cry together.**

**Second is Cross That Line by Joshua Radin. I feel this lyrics and this also gives me shivers. Joshua has a beautiful soft voice and you cannot not love this.**

**Thanks guys!**

**Goodnight for now, sweet dreams and I'll see you tomorrow in school :)**

**xx**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you didn't get too impatient and if you did, I hope this made up for that.  
> sorry for the (maybe) shocker but it's all I want in life. Well, the kissing part of course.  
> the last shocker will continue a bit in later chapters but I'll mostly go on about the boys!  
> love you all
> 
> and thanks again so much for leaving comments, kudos etc. because it seriously makes me feel a bit less sick  
> x biglove for all of you


	5. Let Me Be What You Want Me To Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of triggering maybe.. I'm sorry. I swear it will sort of stop after this chapter.  
> Again, sorry for the delay.. not feeling well again, but there is always time for my writing!  
> Hope you like it  
> Let me know what you think and if you are excited for the next chapter!  
> Love you xx

**From  Liam to Zayn (00.36)**

**Zayn fucking malik! Pick up your phone**

**From Liam to Zayn (00.37)**

**Pick up!! Are you alright?! Zayn!**

**From Liam to Zayn (00.38)**

**If you dont answer me in 30 m calling Lou and m coming over**

**From Liam to Zayn (00.39)**

**Zayn.. Im worried :\ cmon please**

**From Liam to Zayn (00.39)**

**Pick up please.. I love u :(**

**From Zayn to Liam (01.04)**

**I luv you 2**

Zayn threw his phone across the room with a scream and wiped his tearstained face roughly. He felt frustrated. He had had such a nice evening with Harry. Nice is even an understatement.. More like incredible. And then that incredible evening was destroyed like the world trade centre. Shattered into a million pieces and unable to be fixed again. He had _kissed_ the boy of his dreams. He kissed him for god's sake! It should not be punished like this. Kissing is the most normal thing to do when you are a teenager. Or maybe he isn't supposed to be gay in the end? Maybe it _is_ a bad thing? Maybe he gets punished because he is gay..

Zayn looked down at his wrists and felt the tears begin to stream again. His left wrist was purple and swollen along with some bloody scratches from his father's nails. He trailed his fingertips over the scratch and winced in pain.

"Is that all you got, huh?!!" He screamed while looking to something _up there._

"Is it? Is this fucking it!!?? Come on then! Come on! Give it to me!" He stood up and threw his nightstand to the ground in anger and pain. He cried so loud that his breathing got out of rhythm. He collapsed on his bed, hyperventilating heavily. He was having a panic attack again. He struggled with this before his father had left and now it started again.. Luckily he knew how to deal with this. He stumbled towards the window, opened it and hung his head out of it. He slowly steadied his breathing and when he fully calmed down, he crawled up in a ball on his bed again and he saw it was 02.15 already. He set his alarm for the next morning and closed his eyes, crying himself to sleep.

\---

He slammed his alarm to turn off the annoying beeping. The only problem was that the beeping didn't stop. _Huh?_

He opened his eyes and looked around for any indication of where the sound came from. His phone. It was underneath his bed, where he threw it the night previous. Zayn picked it up and opened his new messages.

**From Liam to Zayn (01.06)**

**MY GOD! R U OKAY?**

**From Liam to Zayn (01.06)**

**m sorry i already called lou :\ forgive me**

**From Louis to Zayn (01.06)**

**My god Zayn.. are you alright love?**

**From Louis to Zayn (01.18)**

**Let me know if u need me to come over**

**From I make you blush to Zayn (06.31)**

**Thank you for last night! Had the best time :) xx**

Zayn managed to smile slightly at the last message and only responded to Harry.

**From Zayn to I make you blush (06.37)**

**I should be the one thanking you. I'll pick ya up at 7.30 :)**

He was going to go to Liam earlier, because he knew Liam was worried sick, and he wanted to be able to tell him he was okay, without Harry with them. So he left to house, his mum and dad both weren't home, at 7 o'clock.

Once he was parking his car on Liam's driveway, Liam was already opening the front door and running towards Zayn. As soon as the latter was out of the car, Liam was in his arms, repeatedly asking him if he was okay. Zayn chuckled slightly but felt water prickling in his eyes at the same time.

"Come on. Let's go inside." Liam mumbled while taking Zayn's hand and leading him inside.

When Liam closed the door behind Zayn once they were inside, Zayn sighed. Because he felt safe here. All that time at home he was holding in his breath, afraid to do anything, but here he _could_ do anything.

"I'm scared Li.. I'm scared." Zayn buried his head in his hands and felt Liam's hand rubbing on his back to comfort him.

"Did he.. do anything?" Liam's voice was fragile. It was as hard for him as it was for Zayn. Well.. almost as hard. _He won't judge you Zayn, just show him. Just lift up your sleeve._ And Zayn did.

He was afraid to look Liam in the eyes. Afraid to find what he suspected to find.

Liam wiped away a tear that had fallen from his eye and said, "You can't go home. We can't let this happen to you again." Zayn knew he was crying, he heard it, but Liam curled up to his side and hugged him tightly, and Zayn didn't care anymore. They could cry together.

"I'll have to Liam. I'll have to."

"No. No, you can stay here, or with one of the other lads. You are not going home. I won't let you."

Zayn shook his head. "I'm sorry Liam.."

"What for?" He asked while running his hands trough Zayn's dark locks to try and calm him down, which was working.

"For being gay.." He let a loud sob  escape and that made him curl into Liam's side even more.

"Zayn. Look at me." Liam placed his index finger under his chin and lifted his head up, their eyes meeting. "Don't _ever_ be sorry for being gay. Ever. Promise me you'll never be sorry for it again."

Zayn blinked away his tears but eventually gave in. "I promise Liam."

Liam gave him a warm and comforting hug before asking, "How was your evening with Harry?"

Zayn smiled while his tears were still streaming, "Amazing. It was perfect."

Liam smiled and wiped away some tears from Zayn's cheeks. "I'm glad it was." He said genuinely. "What did you do?"

Zayn flushed but knew he could tell Liam. "Uuh. It was a bit strange, but we were confessing things to each other and drinking beer, and after a lot of beers, Harry got the idea to count our tattoo's. So we did and we ended up, totally covered in red en blue paint, giggling messes. And uuh, the night ended with us kissing on the floor of his living room." Zayn felt his heartbeat increase at every word he spoke.

Liam was smiling brightly and placed his hands on Zayn's. "Just remember that from last night okay? Only remember the Harry part."

Zayn let a laugh escape "The Harry part? That sounds like a really bad porn movie."

"Ooh shut up you! You know what I mean." Liam smiled cheekily. "C'mon, let's pick up your prince on the white horse." Zayn shoved his shoulder, but followed him outside soon. Not giving in at all. _Not at all._

\---

Once Zayn parked in front of Harry's house he let a shaky breath escape as Liam opened the car door to ring the doorbell of Harry's house. Zayn hadn't had time to think how this scenario would go. Will he and Harry get awkward? He looked in Liam's direction and saw that he was now giving Harry a hug before they started walking towards the car, chatting a bit. Once they reached the car, Liam opened the door to the backseat for himself. _Shit. Crap. Fuck_.

Harry slid into the seat next to Zayn with an obvious blush on his cheeks. He closed the door, while Zayn's heartbeat was going faster and faster - Zayn could just feel Liam's smirk from behind him-, and then turned around to face Zayn. Harry smiled, showing off his perfect dimples, before leaning towards Zayn and planting a shy kiss on his lips. "Good morning." He said.

 _Wow._ Zayn had imagined that it would be awkward. That Harry would've thought of last night's make-out session, as a mistake. But Zayn was wrong. Harry didn't think it was a mistake. And Zayn secretly thanked god for that, though he wouldn't admit that.

"Good morning to you too" Zayn smiled before starting the car and taking off to school.

 

Zayn kept thinking about that little kiss the whole ride to school, almost forgetting about the incident with his father earlier. But as they arrived at school, Louis en Niall were waiting for them on the usual place they always met up before school started. Both, Lou and Ni, looked worried sick, so Zayn assumed Louis had told Niall about the arrival of his dad. _Just great._

Liam was first to get out of the car, followed by Harry, they both started giving hugs to one another, but when Zayn got out of the car, they all stopped talking and moving as if someone just got killed by their hands. Louis was the first to speak though. "Zayn." He moved forward to embrace him in a warm hug. "Are you okay? I asked my mum and you can stay with me."

"It's okay, Lou. You don't have to do that for me."

"I do. I need you to be safe. We made this mistake before all right." He let go of him to let Niall hug him but before he could, Harry interrupted.

"Uhrm.. Should I leave?" He asked, scratching his neck because he was feeling awkward.

They all looked up at Harry and mumbled some _no_ 's. Because they didn't want him to feel left out. He wasn't a fifth wheel.

"Sorry I think I have some explaining to do.." Zayn said looking at the ground. Liam went to his side and slung an comforting arm around his shoulders.

"I uhm.. My dad was in therapy for the last year and wasn't allowed to see me and my mum, because he violently abused me because I am gay. I was always hiding my bruises until one day it were so many, that I just couldn't hide them anymore. And when I got home last night, he was back. And he was angry because I was late and you know.." Louis and Niall were also by his side at this moment, just to hold Zayn up, seen as he was shaking violently. "I feel like I stepped into a time machine and went back in time. My old life is back.." Harry had stepped forward to take Zayn's hands in his.

"What did he do?" Everyone heard that Harry was afraid to ask, but still did.

Zayn was still looking down, but as he let go of Harry's hands to lift up his sleeve, he looked up, so he didn't have to look at it himself. He heard the three boys around him gasping as they saw his purple, swollen and scratched forearm. Harry reached for Zayn and embraced him tightly. It was the _best hug ever_. But Zayn started crying again because Harry was mumbling sweet nothings in his ear. He was just too sweet and Zayn couldn't help but smile in between his sobs.

"I cried way too much in the past 9 hours or so."

"Smile love, smile. You are safe. We won't let you go home."

"Group hug!" Louis yelled and the three boys jumped on Harry and Zayn before they all were a giggling mess.

As soon as Zayn was smiling again, they went their separate ways to get to their classes. They did make the promise to go to the diner with the five of them in their shared free hour though.

\---

"I couldn't know that my head was too big to fit in the bucket!" Niall exclaimed.

"Everyone would know, just admit that it's because you're blonde Niall!" Louis was laughing loudly.

"No way! It's not even natural. Even if it was, I still would've been the smartest kid in the school!"

"Yeah, okay, if that's really what you need to tell yourself to sleep at night."

"Aah just fuck off!" They were all laughing loudly when their food was placed on the table. Zayn and Harry shared a dish from the grill along with some fries and bread. Louis and Liam each had a tomato soup, and Niall had fish and chips.

Harry took a piece of meat on his fork and hel it in front of Zayn. Zayn laughed but opened his mouth to take it which made Harry smile contented.

"What is it with you two," Niall directed the question to Zayn and Harry, "that makes me think there is something going on between you that we don't even want to know about?" Zayn chocked on his coke and was coughing furiously while Harry laughed and started slapping Zayn's back.

"Okay, no.. I really don't want to know." Liam, Louis and Harry started laughing loudly and Zayn joined them as he controlled himself again.

Liam then took over the talking and Zayn zoned out a bit. All of a sudden, he felt something hovering over his hand and then connecting it. Zayn looked down and saw Harry's hand holding his. Zayn squeezed Harry's hand softly before blushing and looking at Harry shyly, mouthing 'thank you' at him. Harry smiled sweetly and joined in with the conversation again. _God, I'm already in too deep.._


	6. This Is What It Feels Like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAH this reached 1000 hits!! I can't believe this! Thank you guys so so so so much!  
> Love and enjoy! xx

Zayn went with Louis that evening. He hugged Louis mum, thanked her and went upstairs. Unfortunately, for Zayn, Louis already knew him too well, even though he and Lou only met 3 years ago. Louis had followed Zayn upstairs quickly and shut the door as he slipped in the room behind Zayn. Louis and Zayn had never been best friends, but they  _have_  always been really close.

"I'm happy for you, you know."

Zayn turned around to face Louis with a frown. "Happy? About what?"

"You and Harry."  _Me and Harry? What is that even? ZaynandHarry, HarryandZayn._  Zayn shook his head.

"We're not- together, you know."

Louis seemed to be shocked by this statement and Zayn was shocked by  _that_. "You're not?" Zayn shook his head. "But you are kissing, holding hands? Are you saying that doesn't mean anything to you?"

Zayn had thought about this  _a lot_  but he came to the conclusion that Harry deserved something more than him. Harry needed someone like Liam or Louis, but then not Liam or Louis. No, there could not be a ZaynandHarry.

"No."

Louis brows shot up, "We both know that's a lie, c'mon."

"No." And Louis just glared at him this time.

"Okay maybe it does, but that doesn't mean I  _want_  it to mean anything to me." Zayn sat down on the edge of Louis' double bed and Louis soon followed him.

"You don’t want Harry? 'Cause if you say no, you're lying to yourself. I can see you want him."

"I just like him. A lot. But I don't want to hurt him by letting him in, you know."

Louis seemed to consider his answer for a bit before shaking his head. "No, Zayn. I don't know. How could you hurt him by letting him in?"

"Are you that oblivious?"

"Zayn. Try to forget it for a bit yeah? You live with me now. You won't have anything to do with your old man for now. You are safe and that means you  _can_  live the life you'd wanted to live before but you'll have to start realising that first."

Zayn shrugged. "Maybe."

"Harry wants to come over by the way."

Zayn's eyes widen comically. "Harry?"

"Harry yeah. But Li and Ni will come too."

Zayn went to lie on his back and pulled the blanket over himself, making an annoyed noise. Something like, "urgnghhh".

Louis laughed and planted himself right on top of Zayn's body. "What? Did I just hear you ask to send Harry upstairs with condoms?"

Zayn was hardly able to move but managed to shove Louis of him, who dropped to the ground loudly. "Fuck off." Zayn chuckled.

"You're ridiculous. I'll call for you when they're here yeah?"

"Whatever." He mumbled, already ducking his head under the sheets again.

"Don't shut him out Zayn." And Louis closed the door. After that it didn't take long for Zayn to fall asleep with pictures of him and Harry holding hands and being that typical cute couple in his head. 

 

\---

"Zayn.." Zayn slightly woke from his powernap, as he felt soft and warm lips against his cheek. His eyes fluttered open as he felt them again, but they now stayed longer and he felt them giving soft and blissful kisses to his cheek. He reached up to the head that belonged to the lips.  _Curls. Harry._  

"Zayn.. wake up." Harry whispered again before placing his own lips on Zayn's, which made Zayn groan from pleasure. 

"Hmm.. definitely awake now." Zayn whispered between kisses, even though he didn't know why he was whispering. 

The funny thing about this all was that Harry and Zayn had only _really_ known each other for like, what was it, 3 days? Even through all the emotions Zayn was feeling, Harry managed to bring one emotion on top. It was an emotion for sure, 'cause Zayn _felt_ it, but he didn't really know the right word to describe it. It came close to love or affection, maybe even warmth. But that sounded strange. Love isn't something he is supposed to feel after 3 days. _I'm fooling myself.._ But he didn't stop Harry from licking the inside of his mouth anyways. Because he secretly enjoyed this. He did.

"Are you though? Cause I think you aren't." Harry smirked before standing up and leaving Zayn confused for a second, before he understood. Harry walked towards Louis' radio, checked what CD was in it, smirked even more, and clicked play before turning towards Zayn again. Full smile displayed on his face now. Zayn let a loud chuckle escape as he recognised the tune. It was S.E.X. by Nickelback. _Of course it was._

" _Yes, sex is always the answer, it's never a question. 'Cause the answer's yes, oh the answer's yes. Not just a suggestion, if you ask a question then it's always yes, yeah_ " Harry was singing along loudly as he crawled on the bed again -he had a surprisingly good voice- just as he crashed their lips together forcefully. Zayn made a surprised noise and he _was_ surprised to say the least. To think that Harry was a fresh virgin, he was quite dominant still. Not hesitant at all. And Zayn needed that. Confidence.

Harry started rolling his hips against Zayn's leg and Zayn couldn't do different than letting it happen. He was under Harry's spell, and just like before, he would do _anything_ Harry asked him to do. Harry was sporting an obvious semi in his tight skinny jeans and it made Zayn hungry. He groaned low in his throat as Harry started stroking Zayn's bulge with his inhumanly big hands, through his pants. Harry lowered his lips to his neck and tucked on Zayn's shirt as an indication to get rid of it. Zayn lifted his arms and he pulled it over his head. As soon as it fell to the ground, Harry was stroking his full hard-on again while sucking Zayn's nipple into his mouth till it was hard.

"What about the boys?" Zayn asked all of a sudden and it made Harry stop stroking and sucking him.

"Don't worry about them." He smiled to himself before opening Zayn's pants to release his straining erection.

 

*

_"You up for sexy times?" Louis whispered in my ear as soon as I set one toe inside his house. I was shocked to say the least._

_"What?!" I snapped which made Louis laugh out loud. "Not with me." He said, still laughing. "I have Liam for that. No I mean with tippy."_

_"Oh" I frowned, because, yes I was up for it, but I mean, who asks something like that?! Seriously._

_"Are you? It'll do him good. I can tell he wants it anyways. He looks at you like you're a delicious antelope while he is the mighty lion." That made me smile. It was good to hear that that AMAZING boy wanted me. I have to confess that I had many wanks in the shower, thinking of him sucking my dick. So I couldn't possibly say no to this. Or maybe I could- but I didn't want to._

_"I guess so.." It was awkward, and I was ashamed that I already felt my cock twist in my pants._

_Louis just smiled, patted my shoulder like I was a dog, and pointed upstairs. "First room to the left. Have fun, babes."_

_"Uhm.. right. First left. Got it." I rambled a bit before feeling even more awkward than before -had he just called me babes? Okay-. As I walked upstairs I heard Niall ask Louis "What is Hazlan gonna do? " I didn't hear his answer though, but I could imagine it getting real awkward later this afternoon._

_As I walked into the room seconds later, I saw Zayn, lying in bed, peaceful and all. He was just perfection itself. Sometimes I wondered if he was even human. I will never admit to anyone that I had watched Zayn sleeping for almost 20 minutes straight, before getting too turned on by the thought of what could happen if I followed Louis' advice._

_*_

 

Harry winked at Zayn before placing his mouth over his cock, that was still covered by his boxers. Zayn moaned loudly, but probably not audible over the music, as Harry was mouthing his painfully hard dick. _God, I missed this._ After some time, he lowered his head and sucked a bright purple spot in Zayn's thigh.

"Harry.. I need you now. C'mon." It worked. Harry lifted Zayn's hips up slightly, to slide his black boxers down his knees, his hard cock springing free, slapping against his belly. Zayn knew, Harry had never given a blowjob before, but he didn't hesitate that it wouldn't be amazing and it kind of turned him on more, that he was going to be his first.

Zayn's head flew back in the pillow with a loud groan as he started to mouth him again. “Already so hard for me, babe?” Harry said looking up with a smirk.

 “Mhmm.” It was the only thing he could say at that time. Harry had taken his erection into his hand and started stroking slowly. He gasped as he felt Harry lick from the base to the tip. It already felt so good and he had no troubles telling him. “So good, Haz. So good."

Harry just brought him into his mouth and hummed around his cock, sending him into a frenzy. He bobbed up and down as quickly as he could. Harry sucked hard on the tip and licked into the slit, before bringing all of Zayn into his mouth for as far as he could without gagging. If Zayn hadn't known better, he would've thought that Harry was at least as experienced as he himself was. It was just amazing how good a beginner could be. Zayn moaned loudly again as he looked down at Harry. He was staring back at him, all red fluffy lips and watery eyes.

Harry moaned too, around his cock. The vibration almost did it for Zayn. “I’m so close.” He moaned out, secretly hoping that Harry would swallow all, because he always loved that. “I won’t last much longer.”

Harry sped up his bobbing and started sucking as if it would be the last thing he would do in his life. Zayn was panting, his chest rising up and down quickly.

Harry sucked hard one last time before he came down his throat with a shout of Harry's name. He swallowed all and Zayn moaned at that again. Harry brought him down from his high and massaged his sides, before getting up to kiss him. His lips were a bit swollen, and he tasted like Zayn, but that was what he loved.

Harry parted first and he shivered.

"s cold here." He mumbled, while getting under the sheets next to Zayn.

"You know what they say."

"Do I?" He crawled closer to Zayn and placed his legs over Zayn's body, to be as close as he could.

"Being cold is a feeling. A feeling is an emotion. And emotions can be turned off."

Harry lifted himself up a bit to glare at Zayn. "What?"

Zayn laughed before saying, "Never mind, just come here. I'll warm my Harry up, yeah?" _Shit! What did I just say! I didn't mean to say that._ He shifted uneasily as soon as he said it and Harry noticed that too.

Harry smiled and placed his head on Zayn's chest again, as if he was twice as small as Zayn, even though he was taller in reality. "You're so cute." He sighed and it felt like déjà vu.

"I could get used to this, you know." Zayn said before placing a kiss behind Harry's ear.

"Me too. Definitely." He closed his eyes and made sure to remember Zayn's smell for the rest of his life. And Zayn too of course. He sniffed Harry's hair and rubbed his hand over his back while smiling to himself. _Maybe Louis is right after all.._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think and let me know if you want me to use more blog posts of Zayn, because I kind of feel like I should but maybe shouldn't.. hellppp :)
> 
> x


	7. Never Enough, Always Too Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi :) I hope I'm not letting you all down or something  
> I also hope that you still enjoy this all  
> Thank you though xx

The days, which actually summed up to two and a half week, after their intimacy were strange. To both Harry and Zayn. And to the rest of the boys too, actually. Zayn had _loved_ the way Harry had made him feel good. He had loved the way Harry took care of him and knew exactly how to help him out. Zayn hadn't felt something like this after his first boyfriend. Alex.

Alex had been 17, while Zayn was 15 and everything was new and exciting for Zayn, whereas Alex was experienced and confident. Alex _did_ know how to make Zayn feel good though. He always knew when Zayn was or wasn't comfortable doing things and all Zayn could do was love him. They dated for 13 months and Zayn was so used to his company and his affection, but then Alex got in a car accident. It hit Zayn like thunder hits a tree. He didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't go to school, didn't talk to anyone. Alex had died and had taken Zayn with him. It concerned Liam, a lot. Losing one person is worse enough, let alone two at once. Because Liam knew Alex too, they were second best buddies. Liam did know that he still had Zayn though, so he didn't give up. He stretched out both of his arms and pulled Zayn out of his grave.

Zayn is still grateful for that, even though it's more than year after the accident.. After Harry went down on him that night a few weeks ago, Zayn build up his walls. He tried to shut Harry out as much as he could. He didn't want to hurt Harry like he had said to Louis earlier. Liam knew exactly what was going on in Zayn's mind though. He knew what he was doing and he had told Zayn a billion times that it wasn't going to work, because he had gotten to know Harry better too. And Harry seemed broken but determined.

Niall and Harry had had a good talk apparently. He had told him that he felt like he should leave it as it was right now, because if that was what Zayn _really_ wanted, that he should respect that. He even told Niall that he would back away from their gang for Zayn, because he knew Zayn didn't hang out with his best friends anymore because of him. So Harry skipped their _weekly_ lunch and _nightly_ meet ups. He went to hang out with Perrie and Jade instead and Niall sometimes too, just because Niall didn't want to be a dick- or maybe secretly because Niall crushed on Jade (probably the last one).

"Tippy" Liam mumbled as he walked into Louis' bedroom as Zayn was still living there. "Come with me please?"

Zayn was casually sitting on the bed, in just his boxers, scrolling through his contacts of his mobile phone, fingers hovering over _that_ name for the two-thousandth time this day, which had been happening everyday of those 2,5 weeks too. He was missing Harry even though he didn't want to admit that to anyone, he finally did admit it to himself. It didn't feel like a relief though. It felt like a torture. He _knew_ he couldn't, shouldn't, call Harry, because he didn't even have to look in his glass ball to know what would happen if he did. After all Zayn had been through with Alex, with his dad, the situation right now.. He just didn't want himself, or anyone close to him to get in trouble again. It was okay like this. _Well.._ not okay, but he just had to learn to function like before, without Harry.

Zayn looked up with a sad look in his eyes to meet Liam's eyes - that were just as sober as his were- , because they both must have been fully aware of what day it was. "Where to, Liam?"

Just as Liam opened his mouth to answer his question, his phone vibrated violently in his pocket, and he grabbed it and answered, while Zayn took this moment to get dressed in a simple jeans and a black shirt. "Yes?" "No, I'm not done." "Yes, of course we are." "Right." "Okay, cool." "See ya." Liam hung up and stretched out his arm for Zayn to take his hand and trust Liam.

"I don't like this Li." But he took his hand anyways.

Liam led him down the stairs and Zayn noticed that Liam was shaking a bit. Zayn prayed to god that he was not doing something stupid, because Zayn always told Liam not to do anything stupid. _I know.. best life lesson ever._

As Liam opened the front door of Louis' house -after throwing Zayn's winter coat to him-, Zayn noticed that Louis was waiting in his car on the porch.

"Liam, I really, really don't like this." Zayn stopped walking and it made Liam turn around with watery eyes. He whispered "Please Zayn."

And all Zayn could do was nod, put on his coat and get into the backseat of Louis' car, because Liam was on the verge of tears and he could not deal with that. He would do this for Liam if he wanted him to, even if he didn't know what _this_ was.

Louis turned around in his seat and squeezed Zayn's knee softly before turning back around and taking Liam's shaking hand in his, while starting the car.

After 5 minutes into the ride, Zayn knew where they were going as the signs kept popping up from behind the bushes. They were going to visit Alex.. They had never done that before. They both went to his funeral but never found the strength to visit his grave afterwards.

"Liam." Zayn spoke silently in the quiet car and placed a hand on the shoulder of the boy sitting in front of him. "I'm not ready for this." As he spoke these words, he felt tears welling up in his eyes already. It was exactly a year after the accident today. A year. 365 days. And he still hadn't fully moved on. He still didn't allow himself to be happy without his boyfriend. He still wasn't ready to visit his _grave_.

"Neither am I Zayn, but we will do this together." Liam's voice was broken, obviously crying.

Zayn mumbled an ' _I trust you Liam'_ just as Louis parked the car at the cemetery.

\---

Liam bend down and placed two candles in front of the tombstone before looking up to Zayn, silently telling him to kneel too. And Zayn did, after he took out his lighter, planting his knees in the virgin white snow. He took Liam's hand in his and lit his own candle, being careful not to dim it right away with his dripping tears. He silently handed the lighter over to Liam, who took it while squeezing Zayn's hand to comfort him, but probably also himself. Liam lit his candle too and wrapped his arms around Zayn tightly mumbling that it's okay, that they made a good choice. And Zayn agreed right now, he had been scared and uncomfortable, but they did make the right decision. It felt like closure.

Zayn slightly shrugged out of Liam's grasp and leaned over the candles to write in the snow. _We love you Alex_ it said. As Zayn looked behind him at Liam, he was standing up right now, he smiled, they both smiled, because it really _was_ okay. Zayn rose to his feet too and  took Liam's hand in his again while saying, "I love you Alex and I will never ever forget you. After your- well, you know- my life hasn't been the same and I always thought of that as a bad thing. But it is _logical_ that it isn't the same, because it is without _you_. But I only realise now that I _am_ alive and that I should still appreciate everything else I have. And I know you said that you wanted me to move on," Zayn chocked out a cry on this as he spoke out the last words of his lover. "But I didn't really do that. But I will try to do it from now on, because I have closure now and- " Zayn opened his mouth to say more, but he suddenly felt a hand slip in his free hand. He looked down at the big hand that was wrapped around his comfortingly, recognising the watch, the tattoo, the hand even. He looked up at Harry and his still tearstained face crinkled up in a sad smile but then turned towards the stone again, fully crying right now. "and I hope you like Harry, because I think I do." He let a loud sob escape and felt both Liam and Harry squeeze his hands. He looked up at Harry and Harry leaned his head on Zayn's shoulder lovingly. From Harry's other side he could see Niall standing beside him, also holding his hand. Then he looked to the left, Liam's side, and there he saw Louis, fingers intertwined with Liam's free hand. They were all connected. All much happier than before.

"Welcome Harry." Liam said, still quietly, but not whispering. The next thing Zayn knew, the three boys that hadn't even known Alex, lay down a red rose on his grave and each of them mumbled sincere _'rest in peace_ 's' before turning back to Zayn and Liam and embracing them in warm, comforting hugs.  

\---

**Hey guys! It's been so long :o**

**I don't even have an excuse.. I'm sorry. I think I got caught up too much in my personal life :(.**

**Everyone from final grade, good luck with your history test tomorrow! I so haven't studied yet, and I'm so gonna die. But I don't seem to care for some reason (haha).**

**Before I'm going to talk more bull on here, I wanted to tell you that I really appreciate the support I get from you all and I hope I am supporting you just as much by answering your questions and comments. Remember; you can ALWAYS ask EVERYTHING about ANYTHING. Actually, the good thing of this all, is that everything is anonymous, so you can just spill your heart out if you'd want. But.. No pressure of course :)**

**So..........................**

**I actually need to ask all of you for some advice... (can you feel the tension ;P)**

**What do you do when you like someone? Like, really like someone? I have never been the one making the moves, so.. I'm just clueless of what to do. I think I'm being ridiculous right now that I'm even writing this here, but whatever (yolo, i hate yolo, but yolo!).**

**This. Is. So. Not. Making. Sense. Anymore.**

**SONGS TIME**

**First one is Chocolate by The 1975. This song is so amazing, like really really amazing. Have a listen and fall in love with it!**

**Second song is Anna Sun by Walk The Moon. And I've basically been in love with Walk The Moon since their very first song, but Anna Sun will always be my fav. It's about living while you're young and not expecting anything yet, just living in the moment.**

**Third song (yes,yes) is Recovery by Frank Turner. No explanation on this one. Sorry :)**

**Okay that's it then..**

**Good day everyone! Love x**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you liking this? x


	8. Even When The Sun Goes Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's P.O.V.

"Could have been worse though!" Niall smiled brightly at all of them and the rest mirrored him. 

It was 4 days after they went to Alex's grave and everything felt so much better after that. Louis' and Liam's bond had gotten even stronger. So had Zayn's and Liam's. Niall and Harry felt more comfortable than ever in the group and just the whole bond and environment had changed because of that day. Not one of them had mentioned it though, but that wasn't really necessary. They knew where they all stood and what their roles were, for the days afterwards. It was all good, all good. 

" _Everything_ , would have been worse, Niall." Harry huffed but giggled at the same time. He held up his hands as if to say he was offended. 

Louis laughed and said, "Hey Hey Harry! We all know it was the best at mine!" 

They were discussing Zayn's  _situation_ over lunch. Zayn wasn't there though, he had to talk with his psychiatrist, she had also helped him last year when he was struggling with his feelings and everything that was going on at home, so she was back and Zayn had to trust her again. Harry had been trying to hold on to Zayn with two hands and he didn't want let go. He didn't want the events of a few weeks previous to enrol again. He knew how scared Zayn was and how he must be feeling, but that wasn't an excuse to Harry. He needed Zayn and Zayn needed him, so he would be stuck with him now, for as long as he'd need him.

"But mine will be even better." He smiled and winked. "If you know what I mean."

The three boys around him began to scream and laugh at the same time, and all Harry could do was join them in their laughter.

Harry and the others had decided that Zayn would go and stay in his house instead of Louis'. Louis' mum was getting a bit too much laundry and she had to make too much food every day, and as much as she loves Zayn, she just couldn't deal with it anymore (although she didn't say it with that many words). Zayn understood totally, and insisted on going home already but there was no way the others would let him, and Harry won't admit he protested the loudest. Zayn got contacted by his psychiatrist that day and she told him that there was no way he went home, so then the unspoken question was born.

Harry knew from the start that his mum wouldn't mind at all. She loved her kids and since Harry's sister moved out, his mother found the house too empty. She even asked Harry if she should adopt a baby, but Harry just laughed at her and then that plan was off the road already. _Easy_. So Harry said exactly that to Liam and Louis, who told Niall, and they agreed to him calling his mother and asking. She said, _you didn't even have to ask, Harry. Of course he can!_ and when Harry told her to calm down with a laugh, she answered; _I'm just so excited! I'll finally have two kids  again._ and she laughed genuine and happy after that. Harry smiled too and cancelled the call.

As soon as he told Liam the good news, Liam send a text to Zayn saying they found him a home. Harry was looking over his shoulder and got a warm feeling inside as Liam called it 'home'. It was home, sure, but the realisation that it would become Zayn's home too, that just sounded unreal, but _so good_ at the same time.

"Will he get his own room? I don't think he is safe if he has to sleep next to you Hazlan!" Niall exclaimed full of excitement.

"He also slept in the same bed as Louis! And I'm not a monster Niall!" Harry laughed, head tilted back with crinkled skin under his eyes.

"Yeah, but I'm not sexually attracted to him!" Louis said while Harry looked at Liam, next to him, to see him blush fully. _Oh poor thing.. so in love._

"I think I have nothing to say to that. But he _will_ get his own room." Harry laughed before he placed his palm on Liam's back and patted it a few times, to tell him it was all fine, because it was. Louis was definitely in love too. Liam turned his head to the side and smiled at Harry shyly, he understood the message and Harry gave his shoulder a quick squeeze before putting his hand back in his lap.

"You do know what you are bringing into your house, right Harry?"

Harry frowned and shook his head, "What do you mean?"

"Zayn has a manual. If you don't follow it, his system will get messed up and he will be the most annoying tit to walk the earth." Louis smiled even though it wasn't funny in the slightest.

Harry swallowed, it was all quite intimidating, and frowned even more, "A manual?" The three boys all had their eyes on Harry and started nodding in unison and if it wasn't already intimidating enough, it definitely was now.

"Always make sure you give him a hug before you two go to bed. You will have to wake him an hour before school with a cup of tea, or he won't come out of his bed and he'll be grumpy all day. As he is drinking it, sing something -only if you can sing, otherwise I rather don't have you singing to him- or turn on the radio, preferably Radio 1, he loves Nick Grimshaw, or your Ipod if you have good music on it-"

"Good music?" Harry asks with eyes wide.

"He likes classics like, Nirvana, Pink Floyd, The Beatles or indie's.. He is one big indie lover." Harry nods, he likes that too. "Anyway, that's not it yet. So, when he's had his tea, he will get out of bed and hop in the shower _-you don't have to help him, don't look so excited you!-_ when he gets out he expects clothes to be waiting for him on his bed, but it doesn't really matter if you don't do that. When he is dressed he goes downstairs to have breakfast, but he loves making it, so, I'd let him if I were you. He makes the best pancakes and I bet your mum will love him for it. Then before you go to school, maybe give him another hug, he likes it so much, and school is, like, too much sometimes, you know? So he likes to be comforted. Once you get to school, we will be there and everything will be the same as normally." He ends with a squeeze of Harry's hand that is lying on the table. "It'll all be alright. He loves spending time with you and we all know that."

"Can you sing?" Harry found himself asking.

Louis just smiled and hummed, but Liam interrupted, "He can. He'll tell you he can't but he can. We can all sing a bit. Zayn has the voice of an angel though."

"Really? I had a band in my old school." Harry lighted up and made a mental note of Liam's words.

"A band? Did you have gigs and all?" Niall asked.

"Some, weddings mostly. But it's not like we were big or anything."

"Was it called White Eskimo?" Liam asked then and Harry was slightly bewildered but nodded.

"I already thought I knew you from something.. I used to work in The Marker!"

Harry gaped at him. "Oh my god. I think I even have your number from back then! How could we not have noticed before."

"Must be the hair." Louis said laughing as he leaned over the table to ruffle Liam's non-existent hair.

Harry shook his head and started laughing too. He was looking forward to the rest of his life again, since a while.

+*+

**Dear CCH,**

**I saw you asking for advice and I'm sure everyone has ever asked the same question to someone, if not themselves.**

**Well.. I basically like a guy from my year. But the problem is that he is my 'best' friend. What if I go and tell him I like him and he says, _I never thought about you that way._ That is seriously the sentence of my nightmares. He had some rough times and I tried to support him as much as I could, and I could see it helped, but what if he just thinks I wanted to be friendly. **

**I actually just want him to like me back, but I know deep down that he never will..**

**How will I be sure..?**

**Love,**

**Hopeless.**

Harry looked down at his phone where he wrote the response to the blog post. He wasn't really sure if this would be the smartest decision, but on the other hand, he did make sure not to go too deep into the description of his crush, Zayn, so no one could really know who he was talking about.

_SEND_.

When Harry was in his seat at the back of English lit class, he felt a buzz in his back pocket. He looked at the teacher and she had her back towards the class, so he took out his phone.

_2 NOTIFICATIONS_.

He first opened a text message.

**From Zayn to Harry (12.33)**

**Are u sure?**

Harry looked up again, but the teacher was still writing on the board with her back towards the students.

**From Harry to Zayn (12.33)**

**100% don’t wrry x**

Then Harry opened his other notification. It was from CCH.. He swallowed and clicked it.

**Dear Hopeless,**

**You are not hopeless. There is hope for everyone. There will be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow one day, and you'll find yourself the happiest person in the world. If that is today or in 30 years, it doesn't matter, as long as you keep hope and faith.**

**Have faith in the thought of him not rejecting you. What if he ends up telling you that one thing you were hoping for;**   ** _I like you too, I just never had the courage to tell you._ How amazing would that be? And how big is the possibility that that will be what is going to happen?  Just as big as the possibility that he rejects you. So don't stop believing is all I can say really. If you can't have faith in yourself, he can't have it either. **

**Keep your head up, Not-Hopeless.**

**You'll get there.**

**Love,**

**CCH.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im really sorry to tell you guys that I wont update in some time, bc i will be on holiday :\   
> I will write though, so i hope to update alot when im back!   
> X


	9. When the lights are out baby, its you and me against the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I magically managed to write a new chapter before I go on holiday! So here it is :D  
> Enjoy! X

"So, are you sure you will be able to handle my mum?" Harry asked hesitantly as he and Zayn were walking from the school towards his car.   
Zayn grinned -he honestly grinned too much for Harry's sanity to remain- and shrugged, "Why wouldn't I be able to?"   
The curly haired lad smiled too now but he did still feel his concern in the pit of his stomach.

"She will treat you like her son and I can't say I'm not used to it, because I am, but I can imagine that if you aren't it might just be a bit too much, too intimate or affectionate for someone you don't even know. She is like, 'come here baby, how was your day, sit down with me and have a cup of tea while we watch sex in the city, oh of course you can lie in my lap, come here baby of course I'll pet your hair', and I swear I have never even asked for any of those things!" Harry shook his head as he looked at Zayn who was literally crying from laughing out loud at Harry's impersonation -high pitched voice and hand movements involved- of his mother.

"I already love her for agreeing to pet your hair." The older boy chuckled out.

"I said I never asked her to do that!" Harry laughed along now while shoving Zayn off slightly, when they reached the car.

Zayn got in first and waited for Harry to follow him. As soon as he did Zayn started the car but he asked, "Isn't Liam going with us?"

Zayn swallowed thickly and turned to Harry. "He uhm.. He is going to my house with Lou."   
Harry's eyebrows shot up to his hairline and the other boy could see his concern so he immediately felt the urge to defend himself.   
"I told them they didn't have to! My social worker could have dealt with it, but those morons weren't listening and I couldn't stop them."

Harry took Zayn's hand in his to stop him from rambling. "Heyhey, it's okay. What are they going to do there?"

"Oh, my psychiatrist told me that I couldn't go home, but then my social worker called her and told her that I'll have to, because, you know, my parents do have legal custody over me after all and they don't exactly agree to me living somewhere else but my psychiatrist made sure that they wouldn't get judges and all that involved yet."

Harry knitted his brows together and asked, "So what can Li and Lou do?"

Zayn shrugged again, "They insisted on talking to my mother. She's okay and she adores Liam, but I'm not sure what they can do to stop my dad, or rather, what my mum can do to stop him. I told them so many times that I didn't want them to get involved in my problems but, well, you know them."

"I think it'll all be okay. There is hope for everyone." Harry squeezed Zayn's hand but the latter's eyes just widened at the last sentence Harry spoke. That was his quote. From his blog. Which must mean that Harry read it. Or is it just dumb coincidence..?

"Well let's go meet my mum then, shall we?" The younger lad asked, even though it wasn't really that much of a question.

Zayn started the car again and drove out of the parking lot, away from the school and onto the familiar road leading towards Harry's home, which he could drive with his eyes closed if he had to.

~+~

Zayn felt a bit nervous, just a bit really. His hands were shaking and he felt like boiling, but he managed to steady his breath when Harry had started to massage his left thigh. He squeezed it every now and then, rubbed his palm from his knee to the middle of his leg. It did his magic though, it calmed him down, so Harry continued it all the way to his house.   
When they got there, Harry helped Zayn with getting his suitcase out of the back of the car without a word.   
Zayn inhaled and exhaled deeply and walked towards Harry before he clung himself onto the latter and didn't let go for several minutes.  
The boy needed to calm down, it wasn't as if he was meeting the queen, just a friend's mum. He could do that.   
"Uhm, Zayn? Are you alright?" Harry asked worriedly while rubbing soothing circles on his back.

His mouth was covered in Harry's broad shoulders, so the boy in question didn't get what he said.  
"Zayn?" He took hold of Zayn's waist now and squeezed it one more time before pushing him away slightly so he could look Zayn in the eyes.   
Zayn tried his best not to meet Harry's eyes, but when the younger boy caught a glimpse of the gold eyes he saw salty water pooling in the corners of his eyes.

"Zayn, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Harry pulled the smaller boy close to him again.

Zayn wiped his eyes with the palm of his hands and smiled slightly against his friends chest.   
"I don't know Harry."

"You- you don't know?"

"It's just so overwhelming.."

Harry smiled and tightened his embrace, he doubted a second and then gave Zayn a kiss. Yes a kiss, and it took them both by surprise -Zayn didn't think whoop-di-fucking-doo big deal, no he thought holy-fucking-shit! Harry is kissing me- but neither of them pulled away.   
The other kisses they shared were just as good honestly, but this, after such a long time that they didn't kiss, felt like home coming. Like they needed this to come to peace again.

They weren't even full-on snogging but it was the best kiss Harry ever had. The best one.

As soon as Zayn's tears had dried he pulled away, swollen lips that wore a bright smile now, that crinkled his nose and eyes up. Harry's heart decided to skip a beat and grow a bit bigger at the sight of Zayn being happy, and knowing that he caused that.   
"Thank you Harry, for everything." Harry just gave him a peck on his forehead and took his hand in his, picked up the suitcase while Zayn closed the car with his other hand and then they walked towards the front door, hand in hand..

~+~

"…and we were sitting in the middle of a cute little restaurant when he suddenly told me he had never dated a woman before. He had always been with guys! I mean, good for you but then don't ask me out right!" Anne exclaimed in full ecstasy while Harry laughed at her disaster date and Zayn laughed along loudly.

"I told you I felt something was up with him."

Anne shoved his shoulder and laughed too. "He was so charming before though, I thought I had a bingo."

"I still think you should go for the neighbour. He's so what you are looking for even though you don't see it yourself."

Zayn felt happy. He already loved Harry's mum to bits and it was so good to feel welcome. She seemed to really want him here and Zayn really did want to be there too. He was with the best of people, who wouldn't want that?

After two cups of tea and a lot of getting to know each other, Anne already felt like Zayn's surrogate mother and when he told her that she almost broke out in tears. She hugged him tightly and told him that he could count on her. Zayn loved her. And he wasn't entirely sure if Harry told her why it was that he was forced to live everywhere except for at his own house, but if he did, she definitely didn't show it. Which was a good thing in Zayn's opinion.

It was nearly half past nine, they had had dinner around the table with a glass of wine and everything was perfect, so perfect that Zayn had totally forgotten about Liam and Louis. That was until now, when his phone was ringing from his back pocket.  
Zayn took the phone and saw it was Liam, he looked up at Harry and his mum and then he excused himself and walked out of the room.

"Liam"

"Hey tippy. How is it at Harry's?"

"It's great, his mum is lovely." Zayn knew he sounded hesitant, but Liam knew why of course..

"So uhm.. I'm guessing you want to know what went on today."

"I guess I do, yeah."

"Well, we uhm, your mum, she uhm"

"Liam."

"Okay, well, she broke out in tears as soon as she opened the door. She asked how you were and everything. But I wanted to know if she was behind the whole thing of you being obliged to go home. Then she got mad at us, because of course she had her husband's back. But then Louis got mad at her.. He asked if- if she agreed with her husband to beat the shit out of you! And uhm, then she started crying more, and told us the truth.."

Zayn felt tears streaming down his face, but he didn't bother to wipe them. "What is the truth Li?"

"She let your father do all that shit because she is scared of him and she wanted you to run to one of us. Just what happened now. She says she wanted to protect you but now that your pa wants you back..."

Zayn fell to the ground and hid his face between his knees. He was full on crying right now, making small pools on the floor in the hallway.

"She said she can't do anything for us Zayn.."

"Liam I, I don't know what to do.. I think- I think I'll just go back then."

"No Zayn, no. We will do this whole court thing. We can do it. You won't go back. We won't let that happen. We are going to fight."

"I don't know Liam.. I don't know." That was when Zayn cancelled the call and dropped his phone to the ground. He leaned his head against the wall and just sat there for a moment (10 minutes).

"Zayn?" Harry's soft voice filled the quiet hallway. "Liam called me. Come on." He had his hand stretched out for Zayn to take, which he did.

Zayn was led up the stairs and before he knew it he stood in the bathroom. "Come on, let's take a shower." Harry mumbled before he gave Zayn a sweet little kiss on the lips and wiped his tears away with his thumb.   
Zayn wasn't sure about what was happening, because a train of thoughts was going through his mind and he was having trouble with focusing on anything else but the phone call with Liam.   
Harry saw that Zayn wasn't really there though, so he started undressing Zayn himself.   
Soon enough Zayn was bare and Harry turned the shower on while Zayn got in the bathtub.   
Harry undressed too and got in behind Zayn and wrapped his arms around the smaller lad's waist, his hands resting on his stomach. Zayn leant into the embrace and wrapped his arms around his own stomach so he was holding Harry's hands under his'.

A little while later and Harry had managed to clean Zayn from all the bad thoughts, efficiently sucked into the drain.

"Harry?" Zayn said quietly as they walked in the hallway and were about to separate into their respective rooms.

"Yeah?" He said as he turned around in the dark to face Zayn.

"Can you sleep in my bed? Or at least until I sleep?" The boy in question could nearly see Zayn, but he could just imagine how Zayn was looking to the ground, shifting on his feet.

"Of course Zayn."

~+~

"Do you believe Harry?" Zayn asked, as they lay spooned in his bed, covered by the blanket and in the dark.

Harry thought for a moment. "Believe in what?"

Zayn shifted a bit until he felt Harry's arms wrap around him tighter and his bare chest was completely pressed against his back. "Anything."

"Hmm.." Harry buried his face in Zayn's neck for a moment. "I believe in different things Zayn, but not in a lot I guess."

"What do you believe in then?"

"I believe in supernatural powers, that make us do things, things our minds can't come up with, things that feel magical. I believe in love, true love even, and it doesn't matter when or where you find it, if it's there it's there. And I even believe in stupid people."

Zayn turned around now and hooked his legs over Harry's hips, connecting their foreheads together. "Stupid people?" He sounded fascinated.

Harry smiled and made their nose touch for a second or 2. "Stupid people that believe that love doesn't exist for them, but are actually just making the 'fear is the heart of love' quote more accurate. Stupid people that push people that care for them away."

Zayn fell quiet for a while but then he asked, "Do you believe in me?"

"I just said I did." And with that, Harry kissed him, he threw all his emotion in it and Zayn took it all.   
It felt like them against the world for a moment.

When Harry broke the kiss, he trailed his fingers through Zayn's hair, "Don't push me away anymore okay? You don't have to be scared. I'm here, I'm not going to run."

"Okay." Just a few minutes later, the only sound audible were the heavy breaths of both boys curled up into each other, fast asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im going on holiday tomorrow so i can probably update again in the beginning of september!  
> Sorry about that, but thank you so much to everyone that has sticked with the story, left kudos, comments or bookmarked. Iloveyou xx


	10. Be afraid of the darkness, love the light in my eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's P.O.V. 
> 
> Extra long chapter (it is for me anyway) ! Wheeee :))) 
> 
> Thank you all so so so so so so MUCH for the kudos, hits, bookmarks, comments, etc.! You're perfect.
> 
> Enjoy lovely you xx

**Hi guys,**  
 **Remember how I asked you for advice in my last post? Well, your advice definitely helped, but I didn't do anything yet. It all seemed to fall in its place, without me doing anything.**  
 **And that's good. It feels good.**

**Tell me what makes you feel really really good. What can make you smile by just thinking of it? Maybe we can make each other happy too. Who knows..? Just comment :)**

**Also, about that history test.. I failed massively. I knew, of course, but this bad?... Jeeez.. I'm not even gonna tell you what I got haha ;p But I mean, it's not entirely my fault though, is it? The teacher is like.. (I want to whisper this) really really boring. Right?**

**Musicmusicmusicmusic**

**I saw some people requesting me to explain more and go deeper into the lyrics. So.. That's what I'm gonna do. Right here and now ahah.**

**"Because the world goes on without us. It doesn't matter what we do. All silhouettes with no regrets. When I'm melting into you." - I Belong In Your Arms by Chairlift.**

**Do you know that feeling? Feeling so safe when you are with someone. Held tight in that persons arms. Smelling each other's scents. Feeling each other's chests rise and fall. Hearing each other's hearts, beating faster than normally. Feeling like it's you two against the world. Whispering to one another 'this is it' and never looking back, only forwards, to your future, together. I didn't, but I do now. Thank you for that, love.**

**"Let's me in when I don't deserve to be. Strong when I am weak. I wish he caught how this heart soars." - Night Light by Jessie Ware.**

**I love this song. It represents so much of what recently happened in my life. And I now know how good it feels to have someone that holds you up when your body turns to jelly. When your spine isn't enough to keep you going anymore. Strong when I am weak. Exactly that.**

**Well, lovely people, I know it's the middle of the night right now and you'll probably only read this in the morning, but I randomly woke up and felt the need to blog, so.. There you have it!**

**Have a good day at school tomorrow (or basically today) and sleep well for now.  
Love xx**

 

**-+-**

 

Harry had woken when the daylight began to sneak in through the window, as they had totally forgotten to close the blinds the night previous. For a moment he had forgotten that he was in Zayn's room instead of his own, but when he felt the boy's arms wrapped loosely around his waist and his breath tickling is shoulder lightly, he smiled. What a way to wake up. Only when he turned around, careful not to wake Zayn, he could _admire_ the sight. The sleeping boy looking so peaceful and contented. Harry melted when Zayn reached for his warm body in his unconsciousness, but when he took a quick glance at the clock he suddenly remembered Louis lecture about Zayn's manual. So the only thing he could do was get out of bed and make the other boy a cup of tea.

"Rise and shine, beauty. C'mon, I made you a cup of tea." Zayn blinked one eye open, but closed it just as fast because of the overpowering light in the room. He reached for Harry's arm blindly and when he caught it, he pulled Harry down next to him. The latter chuckled but snuggled into Zayn's side.

"Your tea will get cold." He stated while wrapping his arms around the smaller boy.

He could see him smirk when he said, "You're better than tea, Hazlan."

It made him blush and smile, he felt quite flattered if he was being honest.

"We can't lie here forever, even though I want to more than anything."

"But I don't like school." Zayn said to Harry's cheek just before he gave him a peck on it.

"I'll just put some music on okay? And drink your tea, you ungrateful arse!"

Zayn laughed loudly and moved himself to sit up in the bed, taking the mug in his hands and sipping carefully.

"What would you like, Mr. Malik?" Harry asked as he started scanning his CD's.

"Ooh, you take requests?"

"When do I not, young man." Harry winked at Zayn, who laughed again.

"I love it when you smile." He blurted out, but slapped himself mentally right away too. "I mean- I wasn't planning on saying that. It- that- that sounded a bit creepy, but like- I do. You know, you, smiling." Harry was praying that the ground would just swallow him and would never spit him out again, but it didn't happen. All that happened was Zayn crawling and rolling over the bed from laughing while wiping away tears of joy.

"Stop laughing! I don't like it anymore now." Harry pouted, but felt a grin creeping at the corners of his mouth.

"You're ridiculous." Zayn concluded with one more wipe of his eyes.

"I think I'm just gonna pretend that never happened." Harry smiled while he put his IPod in his dock, not even bothering if Zayn liked it or not anymore. One of Harry's _favourite_ songs began echoing through the small room, he smiled.

"What about the requests?!" Zayn wondered at the same time. 

"I thought you requested a certain Harry Styles." Harry smirked as he sat down on Zayn's side of the bed, where he was sitting against the headboard, tea already finished.

"Did I now?"

"I want to kiss you." Harry said, while he had taken Zayn's face in his hands, stroking his right cheekbone with his thumb.

_Triangles are my favourite shape_  
 _Three points where two lines meet_  
 _Toe to toe, back to back, let's go my love; it's very late_  
 _'Til morning comes, let's tessellate_

"You can." But Zayn closed the space between them first and grabbed Harry by his curls.

Harry melted into the touch. The need in both of their touches could almost _be felt_ by outsiders. Zayn slipped away under Harry, so the latter would be on top of him. Harry moaned deeply as their semi's touched for a moment. When they were both comfortable they started battling for dominance. Harry exploring Zayn's mouth, while the shorter boy twisted his tongue full of experience. Zayn moved his hands to slide along the back of the boy on top of him, staying still on is arse, squeezing it slightly. Harry groaned and broke the kiss.   
"Hmm.. Zayn," he mumbled into his shoulder. "we don't have time for any of this.."

Zayn didn't care obviously, he had begun marking Harry's neck, but then Harry pushed him away carefully. "Zayn, we really should get going."

"But I have a fucking boner!" He whined which made Harry blush but chuckle.

"Yeah, well, me too!"

"So, like, you want to go to school with a boner?" He made a face at him.

"No, but we don't exactly have much choice. Come on, love. Let's have breakfast." Harry held out his hand and Zayn took it unpleased.

"Do I not turn you on at all, or..?"

Harry laughed and loosened his hand from Zayn's to point at his obvious bulge in his tight skinny jeans.

"Ugh.. That makes it even worse, can you not like, cover it more? Those jeans are painted on I'm sure."

"You talk! You are the one standing in only your boxers. Here," he said as he reached for some clothes that lay on the chair by the desk "put this on and come downstairs, okay? I'll see you there."

Harry pecked him on his lips quickly and walked downstairs with a smirk, he had a small (probably big) suspicion that Zayn would go for a quick wank.

When he walked into the kitchen, his mum was sipping a cup of coffee while flipping through a magazine Harry didn't know the name of.

"Good morning mum." He said as he gave her a peck on the cheek.

"Hey baby. How are you? Where's Zayn?"

"He uhh, he's changing. Just woke 'm up." Harry poured himself a coffee too, he's always been more of a coffee than a tea lover.

"So, uhh, I have to ask this, why didn't you sleep in your own room, love?" Harry nearly dropped the kettle to the ground along with his jaw and maybe the rest of his body too.

"How- I mean- what?" He looked at her and she just looked so _smug_ about it.

"I wanted to wake you up this morning and when I opened the door, your room was completely untouched. So.. I opened Zayn's door and you know. You two were sleeping, and, well, basically spooning and _half naked_. And I already had suspicions yesterday, but now I didn't know what to think, so I left. But, you would tell me if anything was up, right?" She moved her eyebrows in a strange way that made him even more scared.

Harry swallowed thickly, and had a lot of trouble breathing. Maybe he should just spill right now, he thought, it was only fair, but he couldn't stop his knees and hands from shaking with fear.

"Well, I uhm.. I _knew_ for quite some time now, but, just, I didn't really- like- I didn't know how to tell you..." He couldn't hold himself up anymore, so he decided to sit down next to his mum, but he couldn't look her in the eyes, instead looking at his hands the whole time.

"You didn't think I'd have a problem with that now, did you?" Anne said and reached out to squeeze her son's hand which gave him the courage to finally look up.

"No but, I just got scared because I know how bad you want to become a granny. And I can't give you that I'm afraid.."

"Oh baby.. Of course not. Gemma can give me those. But as long as you are happy, I'm happy. And I happen to like Zayn very much, you know that."

"But it's not. We're not, like, _something_ yet. He just needed comfort yesterday after Liam's call and he was used to Louis by his side at night and I- I just want to make him happy too. I just want to give him what he gives me.." He shook his head, as if to say that that will never be reality.

"Harry, I don't know him very good yet, but I can see, even with all he's going through, that you are his ray of sunshine. You make him happy honey, we can all see that."

"Thank you mum, honestly. I know it's not as easy for you as you make it seem. But thank you, I just, I love you mum." He hugged her tightly and kissed her head a few times. When they broke apart they heard footsteps coming from the stairs and Harry quickly exchanged a look with his mother, as if to say that she should not let Zayn know about _anything_ they just talked about.

"Good morning Anne!" He said as he gave her a quick hug. Harry decided to look at him for a bit, to see if he _did_ wank. Probably yes. There wasn't a boner visible, so he must have done something.. Harry's own semi had completely disappeared from the stress when his mum started about the sleeping thing.

"Good morning sweetie. You look happy?" She said while smirking in Harry's direction.

"Life's too short not to be, right? You already had breakfast?" He asked both of the coffee drinkers, who just shook their heads.

"So, am I allowed to make it? I used to work in a diner, so I promise I won't burn your house down."

Anne smiled at him and told him to "Go ahead hun." So he did, and before they could blink another time, they all had delicious smelling pancakes on their plates.

"This is amazing Zayn! Where have you been hiding." Harry's mum said with a mouth full, which made Zayn laugh, because she seems like such a lady.

"Just a few blocks away really."

**When one light goes out, another goes on. When one starts crying, one starts smiling. When one opens his arms for you, one closes his doors. Decisions are to make at some point, but one may think as long as one wants. Though I know. I know I'll choose the comfort of your arms at any minute of the day, even if it may be a bad choice. Because nothing has ever made me this happy before. And I know that you are my house because I get homesick when you're not around.**

 

 

**-+-**

 

"Tippy! How are you? Are you okay? You scared me yesterday.." Liam and his over-protective self made his way towards Zayn when he parked his car in front of the school.

"Hey, no I'm fine, everything's fine. Harry took good care of me." Liam smiled knowingly at Harry, but the latter chose to ignore it, because he doesn't know what went on at his house anyways.

"Where's Louis?"

"We uhh.. We had a fight. But, it's nothing really, don't worry we'll be okay."

Zayn wasn't buying it. He knew how Liam could get and Louis could be really _bad news_ at times too.

"And Niall?" Harry wondered out of nowhere.

"He's chasing after Jade. Don't know what got into his head, but we've never seen him like this before. He must really like her."

"Wait. Liam, what was your fight about?" Zayn interrupted because Liam was totally acting as if nothing had happened.

Liam's eyes flickered quickly from Harry to Zayn to the ground, where they stayed. "Yesterday I- I told him I loved him. And I know it's _fucking_ ridiculous, because, like, we aren't even dating. But it feels like we are! And I just, I said it before I could stop myself..." He never dared to look at either of the boys standing in front of him but their intakes of breath said it all.

"So, didn't he like- what was the fight about exactly?"

Liam looked up now, face red in shame and watery eyes as he thought back. "He yelled; you better leave right fucking now! So I started shaking and asked him why, but then he only got more mad and started throwing things around the room. And I- well, I did what he told me to do."

"And you haven't seen him _after_?" Harry asked the broken boy.

"No, no, I did, I saw him this morning, but he totally ignored me and acted as if I was air, like, avoiding every contact and all.. I'm just not sure of what to do anymore. What is he doing, Zayn? You _know_ him. Why does he act like this. I thought at least that he felt something too. Even if it may not be love. But just. There must be something _. Anything_!"

Zayn turned to Harry, but he spoke to Zayn first, quietly, so that Liam wouldn't catch everything. "Liam obviously needs you. I'll try talking to Lou. I guess, I'll text you when it's safe okay? And you bring Liam with you?"

Harry could see the doubt in Zayn's eyes, as if he wasn't quite sure that Louis would be that easy and Harry would be able to handle him, but Zayn squeezed his hand and said "Okay.." so Harry petted Liam's shoulder and walked away in a fast pace to find Louis _before_ classes would start.

 

**-+-**

 

"What about school?" Louis asked as he was being dragged outside by Harry. Only when they sat down, on a pick nick bench somewhere out of view from the school, Harry answered. "We're skipping as long as we'll need to." Louis furrowed his brows but Harry noticed guilt in his eyes. 

"Lou, what happened? You really don't even like him?" Louis hid his face in his hands and all Harry hoped was that Louis wouldn't walk away. He wouldn't care if he didn't tell him about yesterday, or if he started screaming at Harry too, or if he started crying, but Harry _hates_ it when people walk away..

"It's not like that Harry."

"So, then tell me what it _is_ like."

Louis sniffed a laugh, face still in his hands. "You're not giving me much choice, huh?"

"Guess not."

"Well, we went to Zayn's yesterday right?" Harry nodded. "So it didn't really go the way I had expected it to go.. And it affected me a lot. It just sucks. The whole thing, and I felt so mad at his mum, I still do. And I took it out on Liam in the car, after he had called Zayn and you. But Liam is so strong and seemed totally unfased which made me even more mad. So when I parked the car in front of my house, and I was still red of anger, he took my head in his hands and kissed me fucking roughly. Like, there was a thin line between the overpowering pleasure and serious pain. But it did shut me up, at least until he whispered in my ear. _'You can do anything you want tonight. Tie me up to the bed, spank me, make me beg, please Lou, anything.'_ And so.. Oh god, sorry! Was that too much info?" Louis started laughing at Harry's face, scrunched up nose and all. 

"No, continue. I just never thought Liam was _capable_ of saying things like that." Harry laughed too now.

"He is a beast, I tell you. Anyways, we went upstairs right away and we made love, but then with some _BDSM_ vibes, I won't go into details about this time.. It was amazing, but I still felt angry, even after I could get out some in the sex, most of it was still there.. And so I told Liam that it was better if he left, instead of staying the night because I was being a dick, but you know, I couldn't help it. And then he said it." Louis folded his hands together because they didn't stop shaking.

"I was putting on some clothes and he just lay in my bed, Lou, I love you he said. Like it was the most normal fucking thing! Then I started thinking that he maybe loved me as a friend. Friends with benefits, that is. Because otherwise you don't tell someone you love them if you aren't even dating, right?!" Harry wasn't sure, but he decided that Louis didn't _really_ want an answer anyway so he just nodded.

"So, I yelled at him. I yelled that he should leave. He'd been playing with my feelings all this time! Like, what does he want to hear!? Oh, I love you too, _mate_? _Buddy_? _Bro_? Like, what the fuck do you want!!??" He slammed his hands on the table loudly and it took Harry by surprise. "Oh.. Sorry."

Harry reached out and squeezed Louis' hands, that were once again folded together. "You _do_ love him though, don't you? As, a possible boyfriend?"

Louis looked at their joined hands and nodded shyly. "But normal people become boyfriends _before_ they start loving."

"Maybe you should let him tell you his story. I don't want to spoil it, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't love you as _just_ a friend, Lou."

"But, I'm not ready to hear him say that he does only love me as a friend. What if you're wrong Harry?"

Harry smiled slightly and placed a finger under Louis' chin, after he put his phone away again because he'd just send Zayn the text, so that he would look him in the eyes. "You'll need to find out if I am wrong yourself. You're a lovely guy, Louis, but you could've seen this coming. Well, you could've seen something coming."

Louis nodded in understanding and went to stand up. "I guess I'll have to go and find him then. Thank you. Harry. Thanks." He turned around and was about to walk away, when he saw Zayn and Liam approaching them. He looked back at Harry who still sat on the bench and then back at Liam, before he started walking his way.   
Harry gave himself a mental pat on the shoulder as he saw Liam and Louis hug and cry while rapidly making excuses and spitting explanations at each other.  
Zayn went to sit next to Harry and rested his head on the taller boy's shoulder while they both watched their friends making up.   
"Thanks for that, Haz."

"No problem, love. I actually _liked_ that I could help him. Except for where he got a bit too detailed about their sex life.. God, they are something else, _I tell you_. " Harry laughed along with Zayn.

"They'll be okay. They deserve to be." Harry smiled fondly and very proud.

"Yeah.." Zayn sighed contented. _They really deserved to be happy._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The song that was playing from Harry's IPod was Tesselate by Alt-J.*
> 
> **The little poem thingy was something Zayn quickly posted on his blog without any explanation, just something that popped up in his mind randomly. He'll always be the creative one, right? Right.**


	11. Take my hand, we are strong, you and I, I and you

"You had a nice wank this morning?" Harry said while he rested his head on top of Zayn's, that was placed on his shoulder.

Zayn slapped Harry's knee and smiled as he said, "My number one rule, is to not talk about things like this." 

It was the other's turn to laugh now, "Oh, but my number one rule is to keep pushing until you spill." 

"I can't believe you are the child of your mother." 

"Well, nobody's perfect. So.. Zayn. Tell me. Who did you think of while you dropped your boxers to the ground? When you took your aching dick in your hand and slowly rubbed your thumb along the slit? When you started pumping faster and faster until you came? Can you tell me your secret?" 

"Harry.." Zayn groaned as he shuffled away from Harry a bit and pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head inbetween his knees. 

"You know you can tell me everything right?" He smiled because he actually meant this but said it in a teasing tone anyways.

"I didn't wank, okay!" The ashamed boy mumbled back.

"But, but- your boner?" 

"I took a cold shower! I got freaked out when I thought about wanking in someone else's house. Like, that should freak me out, right?" 

"Hey there lads!" Niall exclaimed while he took a seat in front of the love birds. 

"Hey Ni! Thanks for saving my life. What's up?" Zayn smiled brightly all of a sudden, sitting up straight again. He probably felt more awkward than Harry even thought.

"What's up with those two, is a better question." 

"They had a fight. But they are probably making it official right now." Harry smiled when he looked at them again. 

"I actually need to tell you guys something. But maybe I should wait for them to join us?" Niall said as he placed his hands thoughtfully on the table as if to say he was sure about whatever he wanted to say. And it kind of suprised Harry, because, where did this serious Niall come from? 

"You can tell us now, they'll probably be preoccupied for a while." Zayn waved at Louis and Liam, who were sitting in the grass and slowly talking through everything that needed to be said. "And we can act as if we didn't already know, just to make sure Lou isn't going to throw a fit about us knowing before him." 

"Right. Well. I uhm- I'm in a relationship. Like, it's not very serious yet, but we really like each other and it feels good." It was silent for a while but then Niall said, "Really good." 

Zayn rose to his feet and started laughing, taking the place next to Niall. "Niall, the single pringle -yes that is a quote- is the actual first one of us all to label things! This is so awesome." 

"So how did you trick Jade into liking you?" The curly haired lad now asked while smiling over Zayn's outburst.

"Jade?!" Niall asked, chin in his lap and eyes wide. 

"Wait. It isn't Jade? But what?! You've been following her around like a lost puppy!" The other boy finished for Harry.

"I have not! And no, it isn't Jade. I mean, I love her, but we're only friends."

"But I never see you with anybody else?" 

"Because you only have eyes for him!" Niall exclaimed loudly, pointing towards Harry. "I mean- I totally get it, but, the three of you never really bother about what's going on in my life." Niall looked hurt, and if he was being honest, Harry totally got it. Harry had felt like he was the only one that thought about Niall often. The others cared about him, of course, but they didn't really show him that they did. "But we had been seeing each other for a while and just felt like we were ready to label our... thing." 

"Who is the lucky one Ni?" Harry smiled proudly. He loved seeing Niall happy, and even though he always was, this was different. He was actually glowing of happiness.

"Josh." 

Zayn's eyes were as big as the moon and his jaw was trying to find its way to China. He had to use his hands to close it again, before he could speak.   
"You are gay?!" He whispered.

"I'm- well, no. I never, ever, thought about an other boy but Josh. It's just him. So I'm not gay for other people. I'm Josh-gay." 

"You're Josh-gay?" 

"Josh is amazing. I'm really happy for you two Niall." Harry said, beaming, purposely changing the Josh-gay subject because that was just.. weird. 

"Thanks mate!" He smiled brightly.

"Wait. Who is Josh? How did you meet him? I need to meet him. I need to approve." 

"Zayn! Calm your tits, you sound like Louis. You can meet 'm, of course, but, not right now." 

"What do you mean not right now? You want to wait with the introductions until we're all 40 and have 4 kids and a dog?" 

"Zayn! What's wrong with you? I wanted you guys to come to mine tonight and meet him, but if you're gonna be like this..." Harry was afraid that he got Zayn to act like this, but he wasn't a hundred percent sure. It could also be the fact that he was just very very protective over Niall. Like it was his little brother, which Harry felt sometimes too. 

"No, no. I'm sorry. I'm just a bit tense I guess. But I really am happy for you Niall. I can see you really like him." Zayn gave him a hug from the side, which looked a bit awkward to Harry, but they both smiled anyways. 

So that's that. Everyone turns out to be some sort of gay. That was when Harry remembered his conversation with his mother that same morning. He had totally pushed it to the back of his mind when Liam told them about the fight, he totally forgot to be happy about it. He hadn't had time. 

"You can probably get them to come over here Ni, we don't want them to end up in jail for having sex in the courtyard." Harry laughed and bobbed his head towards the two boys, who were currently involved in a heated snogging session. Niall looked around and jumped up immidiately. 

"Oi, lads! Get a room! You.." Harry didn't catch the rest, but when he shifted his gaze towards Zayn, he knew it didn't matter. He smiled endearingly and took Harry's hands in his from across the table. 

"Isn't it great?" He blinked as if he was walking his first born daughter up the aisle.

"It really is." He squeezed his hands in response. "You overheard me and my mum this morning, didn't you?" 

Zayn let out a shaky breath while asking, "How did you know?" 

"Was kind of obvious, babe. You were too happy when you came downstairs and the fact that you keep blushing when you look at me.. You never blush." Again, it had Zayn blushing madly and he wasn't able to look Harry in the eyes for a while, until he suddenly found some courage. 

He looked up, stared deeply into his green eyes and said, "I heard you say, I want to give him what he gives me, and that honestly made my heart ache. I never had the feeling that I gave you something. I always beat myself up at night, that I just take take take, and never give. How am I possibly making you happy, when all I do is moping over things that are long gone?! 

"I mean, Harry, you, you make me feel so, so damn good but I never do anything in return. I never let you know how much you really mean to me. And then when you said you wanted to make me happy, I thought, shit, I never show him that he already does. I never let him know how safe and secure I feel when I'm with him, tucked tightly under his arm. And I'm sorry. I really am. But I hope you realise now, that you are the reason I'm still standing straight and moving forward." When Harry disconnected one hand to wipe away a small tear, Zayn walked to the other side of the table again and placed himself as close to Harry as possible, wrapping both of his arms around the taller boy. 

"I'm so proud of you Harry. I know how hard it is to come out and you, you just did it! But-" He pointed his finger in the air as if he wanted to say something really important.

"What?" The other boy asked while pulling away a bit, so that he could look him in the eyes. 

"No, never mind." Zayn smirked.

"No, no tell me!" Harry's watery eyes were replaced by a little smile at this point. 

"Well, when you said to your mum, we're not something yet, that didn't sound good in my ears, though I was glad you said yet, because otherwise I would have cried, but don't you think it sounds so much better when you say, we are something?" He smirked his way through the story and blushed as he saw that Harry got what he was insinuating. 

Harry's smile was replaced by a deep frown when he was thinking hard. "Hmm, no, no." He shook his head, but a smirk came back. "I think, we are boyfriends, sounds even better." 

Zayn leaned forward and gave a peck on Harry's nose before he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, smiling so wide Harry was afraid his face would split in two. 

"That was the worst movie I've ever watched." 

"Lou! That was sickening cute! Don't be jealous." 

"You're actually all like a bunch of sheep, all following one around. I get myself a boyfriend, you get yourself a boyfriend. Very original boys, very origi-"

"You have a boyfriend?!" Louis and Liam yelled.

Zayn and Harry broke apart laughing already when they both yelled, "You have a boyfriend?!" and they only started laughing louder.

"You already knew??!" 

"Since when are you gay?" 

"You already knew?!" 

"Who is it?" 

"They already knew?" 

"Josh." 

"They already knew." 

A few seconds later they had a big grouphug and everyone was happy. Even Louis got over the fact that he wasn't the first to know.


	12. because we can't go back and change our path

It was 6.30 when they made their way towards the car to get to Niall's and Zayn felt oddly tense. Harry had already tried to loosen him by giving him a nice back massage when they got back from school but his stress didn't fade. Harry thought that it was because of Josh or maybe even the fact that Harry and he decided on not telling his mum about their relationship yet. But that wasn't it. Zayn had gotten a text from his social worker that afternoon. She said they had scheduled a meeting with him, her, and both of Zayn's parents, for the next day at 10. And if he was being honest, the meeting in itself didn't freak Zayn out, but the fact that he would be face to face with his father, no one on his side, three against one. That scared the hell out of him.

He thought about taking Liam with him, but, no, Liam already got too involved in this. It shouldn't get worse. Niall wasn't even an option and he was quite sure that Louis would get hit in the bullocks if he would only speak one word to Zayn's mother again.

And then there was Harry. But he knew he couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't ever bring Harry in an uncomfortable position like that so he settled on not even telling any of his friends. He would just go and see what happens. He couldn't do much else.

"Babe, stop worrying!" Harry's voice shook him awake and he realised then that they had stopped in front of Niall's house. "I know Josh from way back. We used to play football together every Wednesday after school. He is a really nice lad. And you saw how happy Niall is."

Zayn managed to smile weakly, fake, and he reached out to squeeze the other boy's thigh softly. "Yeah you're right. I'm being ridiculous."

"But I like it." Harry leaned in and kissed him slowly, taking in the moment and savouring every bit of Zayn. He hummed slyly and broke apart. "Come on. Let's go eat some pizza!"

Zayn sighed but opened his door. He dragged his feet along the driveway and made it to the door magically. Once he rang the doorbell he took his boyfriend's hand in his, entwining their fingers, sighing contentedly. "This feels so good." He whispered into Harry's curls, his lips brushing lightly over his earlobe. He wasn't even entirely sure what felt so good. Their hands locked together. The kissing. Them being together in general. Yeah, probably that and a lot more.

"Why isn't he opening the fucking door? He knew we were coming." Harry took a few steps to the side so he could look through the big window that gave you access to look through the whole house until you saw the backyard.

"Jesus, look at that." He murmured and pulled on the other boy's hand to direct him to where he was looking.

"My name's still Zayn, love." Then he looked through the window. "Oh my god. Are they for real?"

You might think that they were having sex or something of that kind. But no.

"That's just sickening cute." Harry smiled. Josh was sprawled out on the carpet, just next to the coffee table, with Niall lying next to him, with his legs over Josh's middle and his nose pressed to the other boy's cheek. Both of them had these peaceful smiles on their faces and everyone who would look at them would melt instantly.

"Well, I guess we'll just wait out here then." Harry smiled and dropped to the ground, landing in the grass a bit too hard before he hissed in pain and pulled on Zayn's hand roughly. Zayn lost balance and landed in Harry's lap, but neither of them minded. Harry settled against the brick wall and Zayn against Harry's chest as the latter spread his legs for him to get more comfortable. Harry reached around to get the other boy's hands in his and when he did, he smiled and kissed his head softly.

"Can you imagine that it's not even two months yet, since we met?"

Zayn shook his head. "I can't."

"It were some crazy weeks though. But look where it got us."

Zayn didn't reply. He just kept staring at the passing cars and people walking their dogs.

"I never thought I would get this attached in such a short time. I mean, I never felt this before and it's just that- you make me want to catch bullets, jump in front of cars, walk into houses that are burning down, whatever. I would do anything for you because I" Zayn stopped breathing there, he thought he was going to say the words. He wasn't ready to hear those, he wasn't. The only person who ever said them to him, besides Liam, Louis and Niall, was Alex. And it made him want to cry again..

But Harry must have felt Zayn tensing under his touch, because he said "because I care for you so, so fucking much." Harry let go of his hands and wrapped his arm around his chest instead, and hugged him tightly.

"Harry?" Zayn whispered.

"Yeah?" He whispered back.

"Do you think it's bad that people sometimes let go of someone sooner than they should, just so they can move forward with someone else?"

It was quiet for a while and Zayn wasn't sure what that meant, so he waited patiently.

"You should never let go of them."

"What do you mean?" He frowned.

"You should keep holding their pinkie instead of their whole hand and if you are ready to go on with life, you take the hand of the one you want to go on with and don't let go of either of them because your muscles start aching, only start holding the pinkie if you ever find a new, better, warmer hand again." Harry kissed Zayn just above his ear and whispered "But some might be stubborn and won't let you let go of their hand."

"I'll take your whole arm and hold it for as long as I can."

"That's good to hear, Zayn."

"I really wish things could be easier, Harry. I don't want to put you through my shit, I don't ever want to hurt you, you deserve so much more and I can't believe that you are still here. But you are and- just, thank you, love. Thank you so much." Zayn took Harry's hand in his and lifted it to his mouth to kiss it.

"You know you can count on me Zayn. I won't just leave you."

"I know." He turned his head and kissed Harry on his lips, which turned into a snogging session of a few minutes, until they heard voices from down the street. When they broke apart, they saw Louis and Liam approaching them.

"Lads!" Harry squealed from behind him and he let a laugh escape because of the excited boy.

"Someone's excited." Louis pointed out.

"Why are you sitting here?" Liam asked as he draped his arm over Louis' shoulder.

"Take a look inside and melt."

Louis took hold of Liam's hand and pulled him towards the window, careful not to stand on either Zayn's or Harry's toes. "Aahw.. Bless them."

"Well, we will just sit here with you then." Liam laughed and sat down next to Harry, while Louis mirrored Zayn.

"How long have you been here?" Louis asked Zayn.

"Hmm, for like, fifteen minutes?" He said, looking up at Harry for confirmation.

"Yeah, something like that."

"It's quite comfortable though."

They all fell silent then. Harry began massaging Zayn's neck softly, while Liam and Louis evolved in a conversation, that couldn't be heard by the other boy's because they were whispering and Louis was turned away from them. Zayn still didn't feel good, he was so nervous and knew he was horrible in hiding it. He just prayed to god that no one would notice it, or at least not ask him about it. He was most scared about Liam, as he had known him the longest but maybe he could wear a mask for the night.

"It's getting quite cold out here." Louis stated and got to his feet quickly.

"Yeah. I can't feel my toes." Harry groaned from behind him.

"We could just wake them up, ya know?"

"But they look so peaceful.."

"As if he'd let us sleep while he'd be freezing his nuts off. Never."

Zayn was zoning out and he knew it. His mind kept thinking about the next day. About how everything would go. About the time they would be talking about the custody.. He just couldn't help it, he couldn't not be scared as fuck. The only problem was that Louis noticed that he wasn't there with them in his mind.

"Hey, Zayn." He kicked his shoe softly. "Let's check the back door alright?" He stretched out his hand for Zayn while he told Li and Hazlan to wait right there, which made Zayn swallow of anxiety as they walked to the back of the house.

"Something wrong tippy?"

"No?" He answered too quickly.

"Are you on about what happened yesterday? You shouldn't be, Zayn, I mean, I'm not going to apologise to you for falling out to your mum, she-" He wanted to say she deserved it, but Zayn interrupted.

"No, Lou, I know she deserved it. I can only say thank you to you and Li so many times. Really, I don't mind, I actually appreciate it."

Louis looked puzzled. "So what's bumming you then?"

Zayn just sighed, Louis was stubborn and he knew he wouldn't get out of this alive if he didn't tell him.

"Are you worried about Harry? The fact that you DTRed or something now, doesn't really change how it was, you know?"

"No, I'm glad we labelled it. It feels more like reality now, it feels good. You must know all about it, huh, you two seem to live on a cloud while there's rainbows spilling out your arsehole." Zayn bumped his hip against the other's playfully, hoping he'd get away with it. But Louis glared at him. Just glared, he didn't even have to say something.

Zayn huffed in defeat. "I'm not gonna get away without telling you, am I?"

"Seems like you know me longer than today."

Zayn didn't have the guts, he was too scared to get his friends involved. He didn't want them to be part of his drama, but he had to tell him the truth. "I uhm. I have a meeting tomorrow. With, my parents and my social worker."

Zayn looked up and saw Louis' eyes grow a few inches. "What?!"

"Please, please swear you won't tell anyone. Promise me, Louis."

"Zayn. Come on. You can't go alone, what is it about even?"

"Custody shit, I think. But promise me, Lou, you guys can't get involved. Harry definitely can't know. Please keep it between us. Please." Zayn had taken Louis' hands in his and was squeezing like crazy, tears prickling in his eyes and Louis looked just the same to be honest.

"Zayn.." He said with a shaky voice. "I can't. I can't."

"Why not? If I hadn't told you, everything would've been fine!"

"No, Zayn, that's exactly the problem. It wouldn't have." He loosened his hands and rubbed his palms heavily over his face. "Don't you get it! How many times do you want us to tell you! When are you going to realise it, Zayn?!" He was screaming and the other boy backed away a bit, just as much as he could, until his back hit the fence that led to Niall's garden.

"Zayn, we, Liam, Niall, Harry, I, we are here for you, always. You just don't seem to understand that. And I can imagine that it's hard to trust people, but we have been here for you, so many fucking times. We've always had your back and you can't even trust us? You can't tell us you have a fucking meeting? How am I supposed to be calm about this? I don't think- I- I need some time.. Sort yourself out before you come knocking on my door." Then he stormed away and Zayn stopped breathing, tears falling from his eyes as he started running after Louis.

He screamed after him while he kept a steady pace, he was lucky Louis wasn't running though. He reached for Louis' hand when they were just inches apart. "Louis! Louis stop.." In the corner of his eye he saw the other boys approaching them, worried and confused.

"Why? What do you want? You want to go back and go through hell all over again?!! Then go!! But leave me alone if you do." He shrugged out of Zayn's grip once again. He choked on a sob and wiped his eyes before he glanced at the other boys quickly and walked away again, in the direction of his house.

"Louis, please, I'm sorry."

"You don't even know what for!" and then Lou turned the corner and Zayn dropped to the ground, crying even more.

"You'll be okay here?" Liam asked Harry, who nodded absently and dropped to his knees in front of Zayn, while Liam ran after his upset boyfriend.

"Zayn." He said softly. "Talk to me. What happened?" He reached out and lifted Zayn's face so he could look him in his bloodshot eyes, filled with tears. "Babe, what's wrong?" Harry was clearly worried and that only made Zayn cry more. He realised because of what Louis said, that he doesn't deserve the friends he has. He shouldn't have ever expected them to take care of him the way they did, because now it only hurts more to say goodbye.

"Can you please go home and forget about everything?"

"What?.. I can't leave you here like this." He was gobsmacked at Zayn's reaction. "Zayn.. You promised."

"Please forget about me. Just go home, please." He sobbed into his hands and hid his face with his knees and arms. "Please."

"No, no, Zayn. My arm! You said my arm!" Harry was obviously crying now too as he wrapped his arms around the ball that was Zayn. "You promised! You fucking promised! You can't do this. Please don't do this."

"It's better if you just go home." He tried to say in the steadiest way possible. Then he felt that Harry let go of him and he lifted his head, to see that Harry's face was just an inch away from his. Harry leaned forward and placed his lips on Zayn's and sobbed heavily as he did so. He stayed there for a long minute, both of them their eyes closed, because they had to memorise how it felt. How good they were together. How much they'd miss this, miss each other.

"I really don't want to leave you, but if that's what you really want.. I'll go. But promise me you'll be home tonight. You can, okay? You always can."

"Yes, Harry." He whispered as the other boy walked away hesitantly.  
When Harry got in his car and drove off, Zayn yelled his lungs out. He just yelled to get rid of his frustration and emotions. His sadness. But all it had done was wake Josh up.

"Hey hey, calm down." Josh shushed him and rubbed Zayn's back softly as he sat next to him on the pavement. "Zayn, right?"

"Yeah.." Zayn's voice was trembling, so was his body, but he got comforted slightly by Josh's touch.  
"Sorry for waking you."

"Hmm, no problem. Ni didn't hear you, so it's okay." He smiled a perfect, white-teethed smile and dropped his hands in his lap. "You know, my grandpa always told me, crying is a natural reaction to sadness, just like shivering is to the cold and sweating is to hotness."

Zayn knitted his eyebrows together and looked questionably at the, if he was honest, quite handsome boy. He could understand that Niall turned gay for him. He looked like a typical football player. Short, muscular and handsome. "That makes no sense."

"It does though."

Zayn shrugged and decided to stare ahead of him once again.

"Where is the rest of the boys? You and Harry are together right? And you live with him?"

"No."

"No? How did you get here?"

"I had a fight with Louis and now everyone hates me. As soon as Niall wakes up.. Even he will hate me, Josh. Even Niall. I'm a bad person. He should hate me."

Josh was quite a handsy man but Zayn never minded affection, he threw his arm around Zayn's shoulders and laughed lightly. "He'll probably only start hating you when you kill his mother, man. How bad of a thing could you have done?"

"I just wanted to protect them Josh.. I didn't mean to hurt them. Everything I do goes wrong. And now I think I even broke up with Harry."

"Shh.. It's okay. You'll be okay. Louis will get over it and you and Harry are probably just fine." Zayn was still wetting Josh's jumper and Josh shivered slightly. It was almost December and winter was hitting hard.

"But I can't lose Liam and Niall. I don't want to be all alone. I need them, but they'll be mad too.. Fuck, I'm alone."

"I'm here too. If you'd ever need me. You won't be alone."

"But Niall? You have to be on Niall's side. I don't want to ruin your relationship too. I already destroyed enough."

"You won't. I promise, you won't."

After a beat of silence Josh asked, "You want to come in, or rather have me driving you home?"

"I think it's best if I tell Niall what happened, right?"

"It probably is. Come on." He rose to his feet and stretched out his arm. And Zayn took his hand with a small smile. He liked Josh, he made him feel less worthless.

"Feeling a bit better already?" He asked as he noticed Zayn's smile.

"You're a good person." He smiled more brightly and genuine.

"I'm not available anymore, huh." He laughed and bumped his hip against Zayn's, which made Zayn chuckle.

"I was quite scared about meeting you, to be honest. But I'm glad it's you."

"Why, you thought I was evil?"

"No, just, Niall hasn't ever been really serious with someone and now he is.. With a boy. Just took me by surprise I guess. But I'm really happy for you two." Josh said thanks and pushed open the front door. They walked inside and were hugged by the warmth that surrounded the house, it felt so much more comforting than that late November breeze.

"Uhg, he's just so cute, isn't he?" Josh said when he walked into the living room, where Niall was still fast asleep, curled in on himself. He magically made the carpet look like the most comfortable thing in the room.

"You won't hit me if I say he is?"

"You in for a threesome cuddle, or whatever you'd want to call it?" It made Zayn smile again, he really liked Josh, he was good company. Josh snuggled up next to Niall on the carpet and closed his eyes already, lifting his leg over one of Niall's and reaching his arm up, so that Zayn would snuggle up against Niall's back, which he did. He buried his face in Niall's neck as he spooned up to the warm body, that was unaware of everything. As they were all snuggled up together, Josh took Zayn's hand in his and held it while he drifted off to sleep, soon followed by Zayn. At least for a little while, Zayn didn't have to feel anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no...


End file.
